Losses to Little One ~ Journey from Recurrent Miscarriages to our Munchkin: September 2012

http://www.tryingtoconceive.com/abbrevs.htm#DTD

http://www.fertilethoughts.com/misc/acronyms.html

July 22, 2009

This fertility journey is very interesting and educational. Difficult too. I have been undergoing testing and have had 20 vials of blood taken at one time, had a saline sonogram and other blood taken for ovulation and hormone checking. I have found out that my hormone levels are definitely low and that I have a blood clotting propensity.

Recently, actually yesterday, i O’d late. I don’t know why. I was taking some herbs that i’ve never taken so i assume it was from that (I read online that one of them can delay O). I wonder if my luteal phase will stay the same and my cycle will lengthen. I wld like my luteal phase to lengthen. So now i’m not sure whether or not to keep taking those herbs. I feel i should now that i’ve O’d. Maybe i shld consult w/ an herbalist or holistic doctor. I wish i cld do acupuncture weekly but it’s too expensive coupled w/ the fert treatments and testing. $30 every time i go there for a little silly test.

I have found charting my BBT to be very helpful. My DH helps me by telling me when the therm. beeps which is very nice. This month i realized i wasn’t ovulating at the norm time bc i was charting. I wldn’t have known that otherwise. It was kinda cool b/c my temps proved to be correct this month and i called the dr’s office and they told me to come in to get my blood work tested to see if i had O’d and the result came back that i had just O’d—like probably hours before the test as the level was 2.6 “on their way up.” it is lucky that i went to the dr. that day, not before. The temps proved that i had just O’d the next day when the temp rose to where it should be. Hallelujah!

I just pray i will get a longer luteal phase somehow and that the prog will help. I am saying the 108 names of the Divine Mother every day since that is said to bring help to anyone who does it with an open heart/mind. I am trying to assume that Amma will take on this burden and help me.

Dr. C prescribed an HSG for me but i think i won’t do it. too invasive and i’m scared of the radiation. If i cldn’t conceive i would try it. i think i’ll put it in amma’s hands and just move forward and pray for the best.

July 24, 2009

Last night i went to the gyno and she wants all the records faxed over to the office. That’s good. I also got a pap smear. Didn’t even feel it…i guess after the saline sono it’s a piece of cake. Dr. spicer seemed concerned about the blood clotting thing i have but i didn’t know the name to tell her. She also was “with me” on not wanting to do the HSG. I was really relieved to hear that. Nice to have that confirmation from a doctor.

Just called C's office to find out what the name of my clotting disorder is. The blood clotting disorder is called factor 5 leiden.

"Epidemiology

Studies have found that about 5% of Caucasians in North America have factor V Leiden. The disease is less common in Hispanics and African-Americans and is extremely rare in people of Asian descent.

Women with Factor V Leiden have a substantially increased risk of clotting in pregnancy (and on estrogen-containing birth control pills or hormone replacement) in the form of deep vein thrombosis and pulmonary embolism. They also may have a small increased risk of preeclampsia, may have a small increased risk of low birth weight babies, may have a small increased risk of miscarriage and stillbirth due to either clotting in the placenta, umbilical cord, or the fetus (fetal clotting may depend on whether the baby has inherited the gene) or influences the clotting system may have on placental development.[8] Note that many of these women go through one or more pregnancies with no difficulties, while others may repeatedly have pregnancy complications, and still others may develop clots within weeks of becoming pregnant.

What is Factor V Leiden?

Factor V Leiden is not a disease, it is the presence of a particular gene that is passed on from your parents.

Factor V Leiden is a variant of the protein Factor V (5) which is needed for blood clotting. People who have a Factor V deficiency are more likely to bleed badly while people with Factor V Leiden have blood that has an increased tendency to clot.

People carrying the Factor V Leiden gene have a five times greater risk of developing a blood clot (thrombosis) than the rest of the population. However, many people with the gene will never suffer from blood clots.

In Britain, 5 per cent of the population carry one or more genes for Factor V Leiden, which is far more than the number of people who will actually suffer from thrombosis.

How is Factor V Leiden treated during pregnancy?

Women carrying two genes for Factor V Leiden will need to receive treatment with a heparin anticoagulant medicine during pregnancy. The same applies to women carrying just one gene for Factor V Leiden who have previously had a blood clot themselves or who have a family history of blood clots.

All women carrying a gene for Factor V Leiden may need to wear special stockings to prevent clots during the last half of pregnancy. After the birth of the child they may be prescribed the anticoagulant drug heparin.

Prognosis

The risk of developing a clot increases with age, but in a survey of people over the age of 100 who carry the gene, it was found that only a few had ever suffered from thrombosis.

Women who are diagnosed with FVL are generally considered high risk in
pregnancy, particularly if they have had clotting in the past. Standard
medical practice in most cases is prophylactic treatment with low-dose Low
Molecular Weight Heparin (LMWH, usually Lovenox) for women who are not
actively clotting and therapeutic anticoagulation with LMWH for women with
active clotting. There is considerable debate about appropriate treatment
for women who are diagnosed (due to having relatives with problems) who
have not had any clotting episodes. It may be that these women do not need
to be anticoagulated with heparin, and may instead simply follow a regimen
of careful nutrition and a baby aspirin per day, if that.

Some herbs may be useful if women with FVL choose not to use heparin.
Garlic, ginger, ginkgo and purple grape juice are just a few of the many
foods and herbs with anticoagulant activity."

I’m really curious what the hematologist will say. Also i wonder if i’ll have to get more tests again. L

So a few of my students are pregnant and so is my friend Andreia in Brazil. I feel bad that a part of me feels jealous. She was going to get fertility treatments and she and i were going to do it together and try to get pregnant at the same time. i guess that’s not very realistic but i really thought she and i were going to share in the experience of the testing. Of course it’s great that she doesn’t have to go through what i am.

I hope the next time works out for me. :/

July 28, 2009

In the May 1999 issue of the Annals of Internal Medicine, Dr. Johan Meinardi reported an increased risk of pregnancy loss in both those who are homozygous or heterozygous carriers of the Factor V Leiden mutation. Fetal loss of any type occurred in 31.6 percent of carriers (compared with 22.3 percent of noncarriers). Miscarriage -- meaning fetal loss in the first 20 weeks of pregnancy -- occurred in 29.4 percent of carriers (17.4 percent in noncarriers).

Of course this troubles me but I hope with the medication I’ll be okay. I see the hema and Dr. C on thurs. I am anxious to find out what they will say. From what i’m reading factor 5 leiden is responsible for 2^nd trimester losses a lot more for women who have it so i’m nervous about my future pregnancy…and probably won’t be able to feel relaxed even after hearing the heartbeat. I will try to stay positive though. This bloodclotting thing is a bitch.

Andreia heard the heartbeat so that’s a great sign. I feel a lil jealous but happy for her success.

July 31, 2009

I peed on the floor this morning…the kitchen floor no less!! I have woken up twice very early feeling that indigestion-y feeling that i got when i was preg in the past and even though it would be a million in 1 chance, i decided to try using the ovulation predictor test strips to test for preg (since HCG and LH are similar). Well i didn’t want DH to know so i got the kit and took a cup and put it under me thinking i had aimed perfectly…but no…i peed on the floor. L i was able to collect the little pee pee that was left though and the test came out BFN as i thought it would but it was just weird that i had that symptom. On the bright side, i know how to use the test strip now. J

Results of yesterday’s doctor-o-rama: don’t have to take those f’ing lovenox shots!!! Yippie!!! J i really believed i would and actually am a lil worried that i don’t but i will take natural blood thinners like garlic and purple grape juice and the baby aspirin. So it shld be ok. Nothing else new really. DH and i decided we wld try this cycle. I am kinda hoping it doesn’t work and then we can make it in Poland. J how cute wld that be? So, we’ll see if i get AF today on day 25 as it had or after due to delayed Oing.. Dr. C said the vitex prob was the culprit in causing the O to come late. I got blood taken again at Dr C’s so they can see how my prog is doing. They’ll call me later w/ the results.

I am saying the 108 names of the divine mother every day and trying to focus on opening my heart and mind and sending a heartfelt message about wanting a baby. It’s hard to say all those Sanskrit words and focus on the message and the heart opening at the same time. i am blond ya know? I do feel that i am sanctifying the bedroom with the chanting and my body—the temple for my future enlightened baby. For a split second when doing the chanting i imagined our baby w/ a little amma t-shirt on and i felt love in my heart for it. it was strange. But i was grateful for the experience. Never felt that before. It was fleeting but lovely.

August 5, 2009

So we’ll TTC this cycle and i’m a bit nervous. I think i would not want to live if i have another m/c. i hate to think about it. i am trying to stay positive but sometimes i am scared. b/c of the factor 5 i feel even more nervous now. I am trying to put this worry and fear into amma’s hands and rely on my DH’s love too. The spoko thing is that our anniv is when i’ll be starting the fertile period. And if it “sticks” i’ll be pg in Poland. That is something that upset me in the past. When we originally were going 2 go together, i was pg and so happy to think of going there pg and getting some special attention. I wld feel proud to be there and tell everyone. Then i m/c and plus we decided it was too much $ and DH went alone to Poland. So if it sticks, i’ll get to live that dream.

What’s also cool is that my cycle began on the 1^st, so it’s really easy to keep track and play all the number games...i can figure things out easily in my head!

I’ll begin taking my temp and testing for O on the 8^th –our wed anniv. J i am really excited about it. celebrating our love will be very sweet.

Oh by the way, Dr. C said that the herbs i was taking cld definitely cause a late O. i wish i cld go to the acupuncturist. Too expensive.

August 10, 2009

In theory, i should O on Wed. Based on last cycle, hard to say if that’ll happen though. We had an excellent 1 year anniversary. Very romantic and fun. J if we have a girl, it could be that it is from that date. “Research has shown that sperm also has a “shelf life”, however it is different for the male and female sperm. Female sperm swims slower but is stronger and lives longer, while male sperm is faster but weaker and will die earlier than female sperm.” Nothing else to report!

August 10 cont… i need to remember to ask this: Will you monitor my homocysteine levels? After pg? What does this tell us? That is from the lovely lovenox ladies forum. http://community.babycenter.com/post/a254925/welcome my username is babytoof.

check fetal growth more often (every 4-6 wks for me), do kick counts & non-stress tests earlier & watch YOUR health more closely for signs of DVT, including the first couple of months post-partum. folcaps (folic acid, b8 and b12) folgard (over 2mg of Folic Acid)

August 11, 2009

I am thinking, based on reading many forums re: lovenox and factor 5, that i might want a 2^nd opinion. As much as the idea of taking injections terrifies me/grosses me out, i wld want 2 do it to avoid another m/c…esp a late one. I will call my gyn today to ask her for a Perinatologist. I just found out that’s the name for a high risk OB doctor. I shld be O’ing tomorrow or soon thereafter. BD’d twice on our anniv. Once the day after and once today. Didn’t on Monday. Hope it works. J

August 13, 2009

I got my appt w/ the high risk OB. It’s on September 8, 10am. I’m so glad since i’m OFF from work on this day! J that’s 2 days after we return from Poland. By then, I could be about 5 wks pregnant if this time sticks. I wonder if the peri will agree that i shld be on lovenox. I kind of hope so. Seems i haven’t O’d yet so i guess it’ll come a bit late as it did last cycle. So i will be able to POS on around 8/26. it’ll be fun to test in poland, of course funner if it’s a BFP! J i hope the peri will be familiar with factor 5 and have exp w/ women w it or other clotting disorders. We’re BD’ing every morning for that potent morn sperm. J i’m like a donor bank. LOL

August 14, 2009

It seems I’ve had my LH surge. Got a dark line today w/ the OPK. Yay! Only had 2 left out of 20. Called dr. c’s office and they will put in the prescription for me and call me later…I just did another OPK and it’s almost the same darkness level so I’ll just test again tomorrow. I expect tomorrow temp to either drop or to get the thermal shift up. Will BD tonight and tom. Morn. J

August 17, 2009

Finally my temp really spiked up to 98.4 so I felt comfortable w/ taking the estrogen and progesterone supplements. (the prog. Cld make my body think it had O’d so it would suppress the O). I had the pos. OPK tests and my temps were going up gradually the past few days so I wasn’t totally sure what to think. I have come to trust the temp science. Now I am sure the O happened so I am taking the meds. I am very concerned though about the estrogen supplements with the factor 5 since it is said to increase the risks a ton.

I went to the health food store to get pine bark b/c I read that it reduces jetlag. It’s funny while checking online to see if pine bark is bad during pregnancy, I read that it not only increases estrogen but it also thins the blood! But it also said not to take it in the 1^st trimester since there weren’t any studies done about it. So it really seems like the perfect herb for me to take but I guess it wld be a risk due to the lack of scientific data. I will take it up until the BFP and then discontinue until the 2^nd tri. I am not sure if I’m veryyy tired b/c of lack of sleep or b/c of the meds or both. I wanna lie down. :/

Hormone Replacement Therapy

All women who use HRT have an increased risk of developing a blood clot in the veins, especially during the first year of treatment. But if you have an inherited blood clotting disorder — factor V Leiden or a prothrombin mutation — your risk can be 13 to 15 times greater, or more, than a woman without the disorder.

Risk Factors	Risk of a Blood Clot
Not taking HRT	1 in 1000
Taking HRT	2 to 4 in 1000
Taking HRT and having factor V Leiden	15 in 1000

If you have used HRT in the past but are not currently taking it, your risk is no longer increased.

Pregnancy

All women who are pregnant have a greater chance of developing a potentially dangerous blood clot. For women with either or both of the two most common inherited blood clotting disorders — factor V Leiden or a prothrombin mutation — the chance of having a pregnancy-related blood clot is at least 10 times higher.

These women also have an increased risk for other pregnancy-related complications, which include preeclampsia, placental abruption, and poor fetal growth.

Risk Factor	Risk of Blood Clot
All women (under 40 years)	1 in 10,000
Pregnant women	1 in 1000
Pregnant with factor V Leiden (one copy)	1 in 100
Pregnant with prothrombin (one copy)	1 in 500
Pregnant with factor V Leiden (two copies)	1 in 25

Complications With Pregnancy

About 10 to 15 percent of all women who have experienced multiple miscarriages have one or more inherited thrombophilias. Factor V Leiden carries a slightly greater risk for miscarriage than the prothrombin mutation.

Risk Factor	Chance of Miscarriage
Average	1 to 3%
Factor V Leiden	up to 30%
Prothrombin mutation (one copy)	4 to 9%

An inherited blood clotting disorder may be at the root of some women's pregnancy-related complications, as well. Many women who have experienced the following complications have an inherited blood clotting disorder.

Preeclampsia — extremely elevated blood pressure and protein in the urine.
Placental abruption — a situation in which the placenta tears away from the side of the uterus, often resulting in heavy bleeding.
Intrauterine growth restriction (IUGR)

My DH thinks I worry too much and do too much research…I just wanna do this right and sometimes drs. are wrong.

Women with FVL who have lost a previous pregnancy after the 10th week were recently reported to have a much greater chance of a successful second pregnancy (94% live births) if they were treated with low molecular weight heparin (40 mg enoxaparin daily) rather than aspirin (33% live births) beginning after the 7th week of amenorrhea (Gris et al, 2004).

Some of the signs for blood clots include general paleness in the legs. When blood is not flowing normally there is less blood going through the vessels in the legs, therefore there is not much visible color. Other signs of blood clots include the leg being cool to the touch, painful and swelling areas of the legs, or red streaking visible. If you are experiencing any of these symptoms you should contact your doctor immediately so he can evaluate your situation.

August 18, 2009

Strange—my temp went down today. I assumed w/ the prog supplements it wld go up. Hmmm…

August 20, 2009

So, tomorrow we leave for Poland. AND..

They didn’t give me enough prog. And didn’t think the ins. wld cover it but they said i needed a higher dose so cigna covered it after all… whew….So they sent me another prescription but it’s a version that will probably come out more than the 1 i have now. :/ i really can’t wait to find out whether i’m going 2 be preg. this cycle. I will test on 8/27 probably. I was thinking 8/29 but i am not patient enough. Knowing me, i’ll probably test before the 27^th… J i wonder how i would find the preg tests in poland. Hmmm… that cld be difficult. Maybe i shld stock up on them now to bring along. J hehehe….i’m a POAS addict!!

It’s so cool how the pharm. I’m using delivers to my door! Okay…off to buy some tests!!!!! J

September 16, 2009

It’s my birthday! J So I didn’t get preg in Poland but we tried again this cycle. I have this fear that I may’ve taken the prog. Too soon and stopped myself from ovulating. I pray that’s not the case. I was reading some stuff about Clomid and if we don’t get a BFP this time, I’ll definitely ask for that. I read that the egg quality is better with it and with a luteal phase defect, sometimes it’s the follicles that are not good which makes bad eggs. That is not always the case so i hope that if i released a “bad” egg, i don’t get preg. this time! this is cycle 4 since the m/c.

if i got preg this cycle, i’d be due in the beginning of june or late may. I went to see a high risk OB doc before i left for Poland and he said if i wanted the lovenox, i could get it. he wld just give me a very low dose. If i get a heartbeat i might do it just to be “safe.”

Poland was really nice. J Had a very nice time w/ my DH’s family. They are very sweet and welcoming to me. Felt sad to leave. And sad for DH. L

Luckily i didn’t feel too down from getting the BFN. I was happy to stop taking those darn hormones. Ugh.

I shld wait to POS until 9/24 (11 DPO). I hate this wait. If i hadn’t been on the hormones last mo i cld’ve prob tested on my bday. (i wld’ve O’d over a wk earlier.) Oh well.

I’ll keep u posted. J

September 22, 2009

So I am obsessed with whether or not I’ll get pregnant this cycle. Today two people told me they dreamed I was pregnant. One of my former students and my mom. Well, my mom dreamed about a dead person which is a “sign” for her of a baby to come. I was really going to be “good” this time and not over-POAS but I am getting into the POAS-zone and there’s no turning back. I am justifying it with the fact that i am on hormones and it would be really nice to feel like i am doing it “for” something vs. just taking these drugs that make my boobs hurt and make me tired and cranky and bloated for nothing! (though I’m sure i’d be a POAS-aholic regardless.) i am feeling some little twinges and i am wondering whether it could be implantation. I am at 9DPO i believe so that would be the right timeframe. I will buy some tests after work. If by Monday i haven’t gotten a BFP i think i’ll stop the hormones.

I wonder if i don’t get preg this time and take clomid if i’ll have twins…an exciting and terrifying thought at the same time. double trouble in many ways.

Of course in the back of my mind i wonder if perhaps i stopped my O from happening by taking the supplements too early. I called the dr. and they said i took them at the right time and not to worry.

I have a plan as to how i’ll tell DH the next time i see a BFP….i’ll give him a chocolate kiss for dinner which will let him know b/c i got that kiss from amma and i told him i was going to save it until i know i am preg…so when i serve it to him (for us to share) for dinner (or breakfast), he’ll get the picture. J

ok, can’t wait to POAS…bye!

September 23, 2009

OMG I am a total POAS –aholic! I can’t stop POAS! I keep buying them and getting BFN’s & hiding the empty packaging from my DH! I am reading about BFN’s and BFP’s on discussion boards to see when women got their first BFP’s. tomorrow will be 11DPO and my chance of getting a BFP if I’m preg is 51%. I actually went home during lunch to POAS (and buy 2 more to replenish my supply.) If i don’t have 3 sticks at my disposal i start to feel a bit antsy. I really need a support group. I have seen serial testers talk about it online and can totally relate. It’s crazy!

HPT FYI

accuracy by DPO:
10 dpo : 35%
11 dpo : 51%
12 dpo : 62%
13 dpo : 68%
14 dpo : 74%
15 dpo : 80%
16 dpo : 88%
17 dpo : 92%
18 dpo : 99%

Anyway, if this cycle is a bust i am looking forward to ditching the hormone suppositories and going with clomid… bye!

September 30, 2009

So all BFN’s except for the last 1 i took which looked like a BFP –a faint one—but i had already stopped taking the supplements and got my period moments after getting the “positive”—i rushed out to buy a digital and i started feeling very anxious that i was having a m/c due to stopping the progesterone. I was very upset. The clear blue digital came back “not preg” so i felt hmmm maybe it’s just an evaporation line or smth. I was still very upset and told DH and also confessed that i bought a bunch of tests.

Today i went to dr. c’s office and they gave me script for clomid. I had a blood test, a sono and was told about the possible side effects of the drug. I got the script filled on my lunchbreak and took it…now i think i’m having the 1 adverse reaction she said to call about: “floaters”—little dots you see in your line of vision. It was a bit ironic b/c i was telling my mom about the med outside and how u can get this adverse reaction and then i realized i was seeing those little dots! I told her “i’d better go in and call them right now to let them know.” I just called and they’re in a meeting so they’ll call me back. I’m a lil nervous b/c she seemed serious when she said to let them know ASAP if i have this prob. Luckily it’s not very extreme but definitely noticeable outside. Right now, inside, i’m not seeing them though. She said they’d take me off of it if i had this problem right away. I guess that’s it for this trial! Luckily it was only $10 out of pocket. I hope my eyes have not been damaged in some way. Okay, i won’t worry now. Or i’ll try not to!

I’d better go. Looking forward to TTC again.

October 1, 2009

So I’m off the clomid. The dr.’s office said not to continue. They said i shouldn’t worry about my eyes. Sooo…we’re back to the usual normal cycle w/ supplements. No biggie! J this is CD5. i’ll start temping tomorrow and doing the OPK’s in a few days. If i get preg this cycle, i wld be due on…OMG according to an online due date calculator: You are due to give birth on Sunday July 4th 2010!

How freakin’ awesome wld that be!? And it’s right after father’s day. And usu. A woman gives birth a cpl wks before her due date w/ the 1^st preg. so it cld be anywhere from dad’s day to 4^th of july. Lets hope this works out! This is the 5^th cycle since the m/c. technically we didn’t really try the 1^st 2 cycles so it’s only 3 cycles of TTC. I think it’s cool the baby’ll be born in “10”—what a cool year! And it’s like mine—an easy year to calculate your age and past ages for the things happened. Like, “oh in 2020 i was 10.” Voila! I have a good feeling about this cycle and i’m REALLY going to try to not be psycho about POAS. I am REALLY going to try to let them just test me at the dr’s office. Pray for me. :/

October 5, 2009

Nothing new…just anxious for the O to happen. I’m on CD9. i have to go to the dr. on wed. and they’ll check my follicle growth (i think) and uterine lining. Okay that’s it. J

October 7, 2009

Went to dr. c’s today and they did a sono and bloodwork. I have 4 eggs hanging out but no dominant egg yet. I was a bit surprised to learn that i make more than 1 egg and that that’s normal. 1 egg becomes the dominant one as it’s the strongest i suppose. So, i’ll go back on Friday and they’ll see if 1 has pulled away from the pack and take blood as usu. :/ what fun! Getting closer to O day. J

October 9, 2009

I felt lucky this morn. The odometer almost reached 123456 by the time i got to the dr’s office. It was at 123455 and when i got into the sono room, there was a beatles medley going on. Spoko!!! J and then i saw the eggs. 1 dominate one—thought afterwards…it’d be neat if i get preg and can say i saw the egg at that early stage. Saw a dr after and he said it’d be a cpl more days before i O. he also said that if i don’t get pg they’ll put me on femara which is akin to clomid but “not FDA approved for this use.” I guess it does the same thing but it’s not approved for infertility stuff. He said it doesn’t have the same S/E as clomid so that’d be good. I’m a lil worried though about my egg quality. I am afraid that if i get pg this cycle that my egg quality will be poor and i’ll m/c again. But i do feel lucky and hopeful anyway. Doc also said they’d do the IUI too and to get a sample of DH’s sperm. We’ll c what happens this cycle and then go w/ that. I really hate taking the prog./estrogen. Icky!!! L so if i can speed things up a bit to shorten the # of cycles of trying, i’ll b happy. I feel amma is looking out for me. so i am hopeful but simultaneously worried. Like i hope i get a BFP but worried it’ll be a bad egg. I think this one will be good. John Lennon was singing the odometer was a sign. J

October 13, 2009

O Day

I went to the dr today to find out if i had already ovulated. I thought must’ve but must’ve missed the LH surge since i thought i o’d earlier. Well, they called me to tell me i was ovulating right now! I called DH and he actually left work early to BD w/ me! J how sweet!!! I dunno why but i don’t have the EWCM like i had a few days ago. Odd…but i’ll start the prog. tonight. My prog level was only 1.2 or smth so it showed that it had only just begun. Wow i O’d late!! That’s freaky. CD 17 and my AF usually comes on CD 21!!! Yikes! I hope the supplements will help A LOT. Next cycle we’ll try Femara (like clomid) and probably insemination. Oy. I just pray for a BFP that sticks. But it’s great b/c my boss was out yesterday & today so today i had the freedom to go home and meet my honey. Spoko!! I have a good feeling about this cycle.

October 14, 2009

1DPO

We BD’d this morn too for extra insurance. I took the prog this morn…gosh what a crazy thing happened…ordered from the bkly pharm and they didn’t deliver the meds last night…winds up they brought them to the apt complex after midnight and the guard wldn’t let them in…i called to complain this morn and they gave me a free prescription! Spoko! I feel lucky again. J $50 we don’t have to spend. Woohoo!!! I was feeling so icky about the $50 and… Poof! It’s gone. The nice thing was the guy on the phone—the mgr. Lenny— apologized a lot and said he went through this w/ his wife for 6 years and that he knows how stressful it can be and how much u need the meds. That was nice for him to tell me.

I HATE THE 2WW!!!!!! :/ DH is going to not allow me to test. Of course i could anyway, but i won’t…i have 1 test left over and might use it after 11 dpo but i really want to get the result from the dr’s office. That won’t be until 10/26 probably (13 DPO). Being pg for the holidays wld be nice. J

October 16, 2009

3 DPO

Ho-hum….not much to day, except i did get a dr’s appt for… 10/23! I realized that 10/23 (Fri.) will be 10DPO and that is usu around the time one can get a positive blood hcg. Starting this Monday i’ll be in the “potential pg. window”. so, i’m glad i will prob know in 1 wk vs. 1 wk 3 days. J yay me!! i asked the dr’s office if i cld get my “prog checked” since i was afraid they’d tell me it was too soon to get my hcg checked. Hehehe. We’ll see if all those lucky feelings meant smth. Whoa…i just realized that that’s about the same time i got my first BFP last year…i got it on 10/25. My temp finally reached 98 today. Sheesh…slow riser.

I have an idea that it wld be cool to have a fertility show “Fertility Focus” (actually i’d prefer a more fun name but haven’t thought of it yet, maybe Eggs Over- Not- So- Easy?) where each week some aspect of fertility was covered in a fun, friendly way. I think a lot of women would find it educational and inspirational. I just don’t know where to pitch this/how to do it.

October 19, 2009

6DPO –not much to report other than i am now “in the window.” My temp was 98.5 today. Not bad. I hope i can feel implantation or get a sign of it…although i’ll prob worry that it’s AF.

October 21, 2009

8dpo—i caved and took the freaking HPT I had. I went home early yesterday and felt like maybe i shld check just in case. I kept going back & forth about it but my addiction took over. But, i have made a vow not to buy any more tests and feel i don’t want to so i’m not worried about giving in. i really would like to hear the “pos.” from the dr’s office if it’s going 2 happen. I don’t feel like i am but i also haven’t had any AF signs though the prog might be keeping it at bay…plus AF might be delayed anyway from that little clomid i took…it certainly delayed O. i’m afraid i’ll be depressed on fri if it’s neg.

2 more days. Hard to concentrate.

October 22, 2009

9 DPO

I think i might have had a chem. pregnancy perhaps. I feel like i was having some symptoms but now i feel nothing so i don’t expect any HCG or a maybe a little HCG tomorrow from the results. If i have a number, i’ll assume that it’ll go down so i won’t get too excited. I had sore boobs the past 2 days and now they’re fine…was feeling very cranky/tired and now i feel fine. Very hungry, now not so much…Strange but true. But my temp went up a cpl tenths to 98.8. (Was 98.6 for the past 2 days.) i don’t feel preg so i don’t think i am. I have some side effects from the hormones but i don’t have that pg. feeling. I keep poking on my boobs and there’s no pain. Sooo…pretty sure i’m outta the game. I guess we’ll be doing the implantation next time around. I’ll find out more about that tomorrow.

I feel relieved that i’ll know once and for all tomorrow though…whatever the results are. I know i’ll be disappointed but strangely, (right now anyway), I think I’ll be okay. I feel that if it didn’t happen, then it wouldn’t have been a good outcome so it’s better. So my outlook is good and i hope it stays good tomorrow when i get the predicted negative results.

I plan to not tell DH i’m going for the blood test tomorrow and surprise him if the result is good. J

October 23, 2009

10DPO

Sooo…..my plan to go to the dr’s office went perfectly in terms of getting there w/o DHs’ suspicion (I believe)…BUT the nurse wasn’t sure if they would allow the BETA HCG! L I was so annoyed. She said she’ll ask the doctor but she said it might be too soon and i might not get the result i want. I was so frustrated by this i asked the receptionist where the closest freaking drugstore was and drove there to get an HPT. I even took it 1^st thing at work & think i see a very faint line but cld be the “faint line” i’ve seen for neg. ones in the past. Not sure. So, i did break down but only after my whole “perfect” plan seemed to be unraveling. I pray that they do it.

Yesterday i had such a blessed feeling as i was walking…i walked spontaneously down a lovely road with fall colors all around and it was unseasonably warm and beautiful out. Yesterday, i felt a baby moving inside my Japanese student’s belly…a LOT! Yesterday, DH and I went to the supermarket to get one thing & what aisle did we wind up walking down? You guessed it. the baby aisle. In retrospect, i feel like they were all positive signs…who knows maybe just positive signs for a future event.

My boobs were very sore last night but i played ping pong (in a tournament i might add!) so it was prob just from the friction (didn’t wear a sports bra).

I’m a lil disappointed that i went ahead and did POAS but, given the circumstances, I am understanding towards my self. I won’t get the results for a few hours probably. Ugh. I can’t blame me. If they don’t do the BETA i’ll do the next test tom morning.

Goddamit. The beta hcg came back negative. <5. i confessed what i did to DH and he was mad at first but i explained that i thought i wld be giving him a nice surprise and he hugged and i cried. Well….they said to call back on mon if i haven’t gotten my period and i can be tested again. My temp went down a cpl tenths today. I guess if it goes down i’ll know that AF is trying to do her thing. I guess the “faint line” was NOT a line after all. I feel so-so… a bit depressed but not really really upset. My prog level is 9. they said that is considered “ok.” I guess next cycle will be the femara/insemination try. I’m afraid of injections but that might be the case…maybe it’ll break me in for lovenox.

These f'ing hormones are making my back hurt and my boobs hurt and causing tiredness and ickiness. UGHHHHH. I must confess that even though they are causing preg symptoms i don’t have the “pg feeling” so i wasn’t too surprised by the hcg results. I keep feeling that i should have faith in amma and that when it happens it’ll be good/right.

Well if implantation doesn’t happen today i don’t want it to happen after b/c that usu indicates a m/c will happen.

I’ll prob need 2 go in on Monday and get blood re-tested. I’ll be happy to stop the prog though if it’s neg.

October 27, 2009

I really don’t even want to write about this but on Friday I got implantation spotting and I was first thinking maybe it was AF…but it was light pink just the way they describe implant. spotting so I was a bit excited. On Saturday night i could barely sleep and i had a lot of pg symptoms. I knew i was pg. i even told DH that in the middle of the night and he was like “YOU ARE!?” and then i told him i didn’t test, i just knew and he made a sound like “hmm maybe i don’t believe you” but i knew so i kept not sleeping and even dreamed there was ice all around, it was snowing..i was looking out a window w/ DH and i said something about how i’m pregnant..how nice it is or smth. He hugged me from behind but pressed me a little too hard against the glass and i said “ow.” When i woke up, i took my temp guessing it would be high and it was…99! I knew this was it.

Sooo….i asked him if i cld do the HPT and he said okay. Unfortunately, it was one of those “lines” tests and it was a faint line and he said he couldn’t’ see it even though i cld see it. DH didn’t want to believe it really until he heard it from the doctor. I felt a bit disappointed b/c i knew it was positive and i was happy about it. but i was okay w/ him wanting to wait. I imagined having the dr’s office call him to tell him the good news. I went to bed that night and slept very well…too well in fact. Woke up, took temp…down to 98.6. i also didn’t feel any symptoms so i was feeling afraid it might not be working out. I expressed my concern to DH.

Went for the blood test on mon morn and the nurse called to say, yes it was positive but the number was very low—12—and i shld get retested in 2 days, i as i knew she wld. So i go tomorrow and know what it will be. She told me if it goes down it’s a chemical pregnancy. I suspected that. I guess the implantation spotting was a failed attempt. What a bummer to say the least. I was very upset. Cried for a while yesterday when i got home. I really believed/felt that this was “the one.” I felt so lucky when i saw the eggs and the 1 dominant one and the odometer and lennon etc...and when i walked the other day i felt like it was going to happen..i guess it did… almost…it is emotionally difficult. Luckily i know it won’t be too physically demanding/painful. We can TTC next cycle. We’re deciding what route to take w/ the fertility treatments.

More roller coaster. I hate roller coasters.

November 10, 2009

I’ve been a bit lame but i’m here to give my update. So, i was feeling like i was wrong in my “lucky” feelings but i realized later that i was lucky. I did get a visit on my walk in the wooded area from the baby spirit that is trying to stay with me. i was lucky—i got pregnant…sorta…and that was why i was feeling lucky.

We are going to try IUI this cycle w/ no drugs. I went this morn and got a sono—no blood, for once! I had a “10”—which is normally perfect but in this case it’s an immature egg…that will hopefully grow up and become a mature, ready for insemination momma egg. They said i wldnt’ O until around sun or mon prob. So i will go in on fri—they’ll see how the eggy is doing and then we’ll know better when to come back.

I am getting acupuncture and doing acupressure massage. Along w/ yoga postures…when i say “doing” i mean i just started this wk. The reproductive organs points are painful so i’m sure that means they need help.

November 23, 2009

9DPO

I will POAS tomorrow but i don’t think it’ll be pos. i haven’t had a lot of insomnia nor the typical feelings i might have. 1 dream that a cat was preg. but that’s it. i feel so-so…not sure if the hormones are the only cause of my blah-ness or more. I am hopeful but not. afraid to be hopeful and sure i shouldn’t be. Yes, i’m messed up. ;/

If i were preg. the due date wld be around our wed anniv. Of course if i get pg next mo. the baby wld be a virgo which wld be fantastic. If i am pg, the baby wld be a leo. Interesting. The baby being born in the year 10 is super cool. It’s like me being born in 70…oh i think i talked about this in a prev. entry. Nice even number, easy to calculate one’s age for any given year. I hope i can have the baby before i hit 40!

I feel so icky….:( i can’t wait to stop taking the hormones if i’m not pg. ugh….

Feeling blah about all this fert stuff. Thanksgiving is coming and i know i’ll be a bit bummed that it didn’t happen again. I will try to not let it depress me too much and ruin my holiday. If not tday maybe xmas….

Oh forgot to mention—the IUI was a cinch. Didn’t hurt. Had some cramping but nothing bad…was tired but not too bad. Overall, an okay exp. I thought the insertion was going to hurt like the saline sono did but it didn’t. whew! I was very nervous!

Had a little of what appeared to be implantation spotting but it was on 5DPO so i thought maybe it’s too early? Plus i didn’t have any significant symptoms after this which made me feel like it either wasn’t Imp. Spotting or it was and didn’t work out like the last time. if it wasn’t, then maybe i still have a shot at this. The imp. cld happen today or tomorrow…so many things to toss around in my head!

Met w/ this woman who works here, Rachel. She told me her story….How she was told she could never have a baby and had years of taking hormones and serious depression…even suicide attempt and now she’s 4 mos preg! and her body is doing great…nothing to do but let it grow. She’s getting her amnio today so i’ll find out how that’s going. She told me how she has a few friends from here at work who have shared their own stories and get together for BINGO….they commiserate about their problems/stresses. Now she’s preg so she feels a bit guilty with them. I understand that.

k—tell u the news tom.

Xoxoxo,

December 1, 2009

CD3

It’s officially Christmas season. The insemination didn’t “take” so i was a bit depressed right before Turkey day. I was okay on Thanksgiving day though. I am feeling better now. I have a lucky/good feeling about Xmas but I hope I don’t get my hopes up and get really depressed…i’ll have DH’s mom and Michasia to keep me busy and distracted though. Of course i think about the fact that i wld find out i was pg. right about Xmas eve/day so it would be a nice present…. Sigh….

I will visit a new dr. today. Dr. B. He is the 1 who did the insemination. He is very nice. I know women who have seen him and like him. So i will get a consult and then perhaps do what he recommends. I have to write down all my questions/concerns.

Of course i’ve been thinking about how it has been a whole year since i was first preg (BFP 11/2/08) My first m/c anniv is around now. It’s odd how i haven’t gotten pg since i’ve started really “trying.” I am thinking about not trying so much but i think i have to take those darn hormones. Ugh..

Okay i’ll let “u” know what happens at the dr’s office…what’s next on this journey…

December 2, 2009

I really liked Dr. B. He seemed empathetic and thorough. He is going to order a few more tests to cover all the bases. I have to call him on Thurs to find out what i need to do next. DH will get his blood tested too. It seems he wants to make sure there’re no chromosomal issues btwn the 2 of us. And some other things. He said i should check w/ an eye doc re clomid (floaters i saw). I can’t get in 2 c an eye doc until a cpl wks from now so i think it wld be a mute pt anyway for this cycle. I guess we’ll still try this cycle but i just hope that we won’t find out some bad news from the bloodwork. :/ he understood my feelings about lovenox which was refreshing.

December 4, 2009

Spoke to dr. B yesterday…i didn’t like what he said AT ALL …at first. He said we should not TTC this month and i should get an endometrial biopsy and an eye appt to find out if i really had eye floaters from the clomid.

I had all these visions dancing in my head of a BFP for Christmas. This shattered those visions. Now i see the value in what he wants to do and that the most important thing is to have a good outcome. I have to “let go” of my desire for that romantic wish and focus on what is most healthy and best. I also know that if i had those visions and we did TTC and it didn’t work, i would prob be depressed. So now i will just focus on being healthy. I took a blood test yesterday for the 1 other thing he wants to check for: MTHFR. I hope i don’t have that! It’s another blood clotting problem. Coupled w/ factor 5 would be bad. I won’t know for 3 weeks i think. DH is getting a chromosomal blood test today. we’re covering all the bases it seems so that’s good.

I am disappointed but accepting of this advice. DH felt that perhaps a month of “not trying” might do us good. I think he is right. I really wasn’t inclined to go with that but now that i am getting that advice medically as well, i will do it.

I will prob have the biopsy on dec 18ish. Might not write until after that…

December 28, 2009

Just got the biopsy and sperm analysis results. Dr. B said that the sperm chromosomes are normal (yay!) and that the biopsy showed a progesterone deficiency. (No infections or abnormal results otherwise..YAY!) He wants to wait to see what the eye doc says tomorrow before proceeding with the clomid. It’s good that he’s so careful. I was very anxious this morning before I called. Am so relieved now! I will probably do the clomid but will go in to see dr. b tomorrow about options. I would like to try the IVF just b/c it would be more of a guarantee of pregnancy and of no m/c. We’ll see what that entails. I do know that we would be out of ins. $ for fert. treatments prob. if we did that.

I think we will prob try the “natural” way with the clomid and prog supplements and if that doesn’t work then the IVF.

Did a Satsang at Kim's w/ Kim and Auntie just for my baby-making issues and it was very touching. I cried a little b/c it was overwhelming that they were doing this for me and to feel the energy of help coming from them and Amma. It was very nice. At the end, i picked an Amma newsletter from a stack and opened it up to a page and looked at a spot on the page and it was something like “she got pregnant and miscarried.” I had to tell them and they were shocked. So we decided to read the story. It was not about a woman who was trying to get pregnant but about a woman who had many health problems, including cancer and how she always counted her blessings and did seva and was concerned for others’. There was a reference to NM (i think that was their first mtg w/ Amma) and at the end, the woman died and the person writing the story, her husband, wrote about how they sprinkled her ashes on Christmas morning…and guess what? We were doing the Satsang on Christmas morning! It felt like a sign. Kim told me the next day that she was asking Amma for a sign and she felt that was it and that Amma was listening and blessed me. wow! I hope so!! I feel hopeful and blessed. J

Keep “u” posted!

December 30, 2009

CD 6

I had the eye and repro. visits yesterday. Dr. B said if the eye exam is okay, i can do the clomid. The eye exam results were normal so i started clomid yesterday! J i was very happy about the results. I made choc chip cookies to celebrate. J mmmmmm J woke up w/ very itchy skin in the legs…might be clomid-related. Dr. b will monitor my hormones and follicles so i’ll prob be visiting the dr. often….that’s ok though. Dr. b was very nice…he let me call him at SB where he also works to let him know if the eye results were ok so i cld start the clomid. He’s so good.

I should O around jan 6 or 7, though the clomid can make u O later than usu. I ordered “preseed” and will try that out…it’s good timing b/c the clomid can cause vag. dryness. The preseed came w/ 5 preg tests and “babydust.” how cute! (little packet of tiny shiny stars, suns, moons. ) So, if i O on the 7^th, i would, in theory, prob know if i’m preg by Jan. 17^th.

The factor 5 pg. forum on yahoo is really good. Very helpful and informative. Very supportive. Some sad/scary stories; some happy/inspiring stories. It helps to hear the reality. Most women who are taking the meds seem to be doing okay.

January 5

CD 12

Went for scan this morning and bloodwork and they found 2 MATURE FOLLICLES! Yay!!! J they measured 21 and 22 i think. I’m feeling lucky. J they’ll tell me later if i got the positive LH surge…If not i am supposed to take the opk’s…but i don’t think i will. Dr. said i could ovulate today or tomorrow…maybe Fri.....They said if i don’t get a positive today and then don’t get one on the OPK i can come in on thurs and they’ll re-check me. everything went ok w/ the clomid. Didn’t sleep so good but overall ok. No vision issues. I should know from jan 17-21 if i’m pregnant. Omg i’m such a freak…i just scrolled up and see i wrote the exact same thing in the last entry…”I should know if i’m pregnant by Jan 17”!!! sheesh! Now i just checked and it appears i did not write the following: if i do get preg…i’ll be due sept 30ish. Meaning…i could give birth around my birthday! Spoko! Ok ok calm down….

Back in the 2WW mode…

Later….same day…

No surge. They want me to come back on Thursday. But i’ll prob surge soon. Didn’t get the OPK’s. love my eggs today!

January 7, 2010

O DAY!

Got the results from the bloodwork & i am O’ing today! DH didn’t wanna BD this morn b/c of sadness from family leaving but he got through it. lol had a “post coital” test and it came back okay.

When in the office i was listening to their music thinking about how i’ve come to gauge my “luckiness” level by the music on in the little room b/c of that experience i had when i heard john lennon while seeing my eggs and then did actually get preg—sorta…and thought i must not be lucky today b/c it was annoying opera…the next song came on and it was this opera version of the Lord’s prayer—the very same song that Kim played at our Christmas Satsang. Then i felt lucky! J Hearing a prayer was nice/moving. I felt it was a sign from Amma. I was listening to bhajans on the way there and imagining her in meditation. Actually this morn, i saw her in my mind with a circle in her lap and i thought that meant i am O’ing…low and behold i am! Thanks, Ma. I actually lied to them and said that i had a positive OPK just b/c i figured it was likely i was O’ing. Glad i was right. I saved $40!

I go back to the dr in a week—jan 14 for them to check my estrogen and prog. i feel a lil uneasy about not taking the supplements…. :/ just noticing that i’m off on MLK day jan 18 so if i am preg..that’ll be a nice day to enjoy relaxing J ..if i’m not, a good day to cry. L

1/14-18 is the probable implantation window. (7-11 DPO)

2WW = UGH

Found a $2 off first response pg test coupon in the mag i was reading in the waiting room—woohoo! Have 5 tests that came w/ the pre-seed so WOOHOOx5!

January 11, 2010

4 DPO

God i hate the 2ww! Nothing much to report…just…waiting…

Nipples have been sore since i O’d so not sure what’s up w/ that. I know if it doesn’t work this time i’ll be extremely disappointed. Well i should perhaps know this wknd so that’s not too bad although it does seem like an eternity!

January 12, 2010

5 DPO

Guess what? Nothing to report! I woke up a few times last night thinking about how i was 5 DPO and that i’m getting closer to the time where I’ll know if it worked. This Saturday maybe i’ll test…if i feel that there’s a chance. That’ll be 9DPO. I may not know until the 18^th…or later...JESUS! ok…bye. :/

January 14, 2010

7 DPO

God the days are going slowly. So today is 7DPO.. ho-hum. Could be 8 if i O’d a lil earlier…but don’t wanna bank on it. was supposed to go to the dr. today but realized it was only for blood work so i asked if they cld fax the script to me and they did, so i got it done at work—w/o paying $30 and driving the 30 smth miles. J yay! I prob won’t find out the results till tomorrow though…they’re just checking the progesterone level. Will be good to know how that’s going.

I will be seriously depressed if i don’t get pg this time. am feeling a bit edgy…maybe that’s a good sign! J lol i’ll POAS on sat—9DPO, early, yes but i won’t be able to wait. I know myself.

January 15, 2010

8 DPO

Ok…i broke down and POAS! I rationalized it as it might actually be 9DPO…and then i realized i have 5 tests. I can test fri, sat, sun, mon, & tues. by tues i should def know so might as well use them! I’m sure you can see the logic. I’m curious to find out what the prog. is. Oh…the result was BFN as i’m sure you guessed already.

January 21

CD1

BFN!!!!! As disappointed as i am, i’m also just glad to know either way. It’s not knowing that makes me insane. :/ of course, i’ve already done the calcuations, and if i got preg this cycle, we might know on DH’s bday/valentine’s day! Ok— but i really wanna not have my expectations up like i did last cycle. The clomid is awesome but it’s no guarantee that i’ll conceive. I feel it will happen when it will be the right time and go well. (praying for that.) i tested 7 times. For me that’s not bad. DH was mad/upset w me b/c i tested w/o telling him. But i’ll tell him this time. no secrets!

Back in the saddle…

Dr. appt on Saturday to check for cysts and bloodwork. Will start clomid in CD5.

January 26, 2010

CD6

Took clomid pill 1 yesterday. Slept okay. I am due to go back to the dr. on Tuesday 2/2 (CD13) at 7:30am so they can check the follicles. I had a small breakdown yesterday. Just feeling overwhelmed. Hoping it will finally happen and that i’m doing everything right. Not looking forward to the 2ww. I am afraid if it doesn’t happen this time that i’ll wanna give up. I wont’ i’m sure but i might feel that way. :/

January 28, 2010

CD8

Feeling a little more tired than usual but otherwise no major clomid effects. Do have a little bit of the eye floaters. Not bad though. I wonder how many eggs will grow this time. feeling a bit blah too. I’m afraid of a BFN for valentine’s day/DH’s bday. How sweet of a present it wld be to have a BFP on that day. We’ll see….

February 1, 2010

CD 12

Went to the dr. today and had 2 eggs—1 “big momma” J as the sono tech put it and 1 “baby” one—still mature enough though. The big momma was 25.5 and the baby was nearly 19. i am not surging but my estrogen is high so i prob will soon according to the nurse. I went out at lunch and bought an OPK kit much to my chagrin. I’m guessing the surge’ll be tomorrow. So dr. B said we should prob do another post coital test in the proper fashion…BD’ing at night and testing in the morn. If the test shows low sperm on the cervix then we’ll go for the insemination.

Ho hum… i’m tired today. driving there in the morn is taxing. I hope it works this time. i’m not going to take the Baby aspirin just in case it is causing the egg not to pop out as i’ve read. Just until i O. i’m using other blood thinners. oh, and my uterine lining was 9 so that’s good. Not much else to report.

February 2, 2010

CD13

(GROUNDHOG DAY)

I forgot to mention that on Sunday DH and i saw rainbows in our bedroom. LOL yes, really. Somehow from the sunlight coming through the window, a strip of a pretty rainbow showed up on the wall. Then, there were 2 rainbows. We took photos. It made me feel like a good sign.

Naturally, i am thinking about if i get pg this cycle…it would be great b/c i am not teaching that week from 2/15-2/19 and we’re off on 2/15. that would be a nice way to relax and enjoy the 1^st week. It better happen this time…seriously!

No surge yet….i expect it later today though.

February 3, 2010

O DAY

I finally got a positive OPK! J i don’t think i’ve ever gotten one that looked like this. The lines were really the same darkness. We BD’d this morn and plan to tonight as well. We’re bombarding the target hopefully. So i’m starting the 2WW…it’s really a 1.5ww. i’ll be 11DPO on Vday/DH bday. 2/9-2/14 is the implantation window. So Tuesday—Saturday. I made an executive decision and didn’t do the post-coital test. We decided to have sex in the morn since it’s the most optimal time & day. Not too much EWCM from the clomid so we are using preseed.

I got a bit nervous yesterday reading about follicle sizes. Turns out bigger isn’t necessarily better. A large follicle may be considered too “ripe” or might even be a cyst. But then i read that mature follicles on clomid can be from 20-30mm so i felt better. I have 2 eggs so i hope this is the month. “In a natural (unstimulated cycle) or Clomiphene Citrate cycle, mature follicle size is between 18 - 30 mm.”

February 4, 2010

1DPO

We were supposed to BD last night to have the post-coital test today, so we did but didn’t have “success” so to speak. I am not sure when i’ll be going back to the dr. They’ll want to check my hormone levels i’m sure…prob in a wk. It’s so frustrating that i can’t know what’s going on and have to wait to find out if it worked this time. it’s amazing how long a week can seem.

This will probably be helpful sometime (lovenox injections): http://infertility.about.com/gi/o.htm?zi=1/XJ&zTi=1&sdn=infertility&cdn=health&tm=45&gps=535_121_979_505&f=00&su=p284.9.336.ip_p736.2.336.ip_&tt=2&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/

February 9, 2010

6DPO

I’ve come to realize that i will always think “this is the month.” This month i really feel that way. LOL …really! I am now officially in the implantation window. I felt a lil cramply last night but i believe that wld be too early for imp. to happen. I am going to really make efforts with natural blood thinners…i do believe that my high estrogen is still an issue w/ FVL –-might be making imp. more difficult. I mean really, i cld get preg at the drop of a hat before and now it’s been 7 mos. of TTC!! Smth has changed. Yes, i have gotten older so that cld def be a factor but it just seems strange. I pray that it’s not a blocked up tube. I just read this:

Estrogen does not improve your chances of ovulating. In fact, estrogens are part of most birth control pills and may actually prevent ovulation if not taken properly.

I hope that’s not the case w/ me!! yikes!!

If it doesn’t happen this month, here are my questions:

NSAIDS causing egg not to pop?

Estrogen causing anovulation? (could i get eggs but not pop them out?)

Egg too big this cyle? –prob around 30mm at O.

February 12

9DPO

I am going crazy. Seriously. I feel like my nips are less painful so i’m thinking the prog is dropping. I feel little cramps every once in a while and wonder if it’s implantation. I know that i’m smack dab in the middle of when implantation cld happen but for some reason— b/c i don’t “feel pg” yet— i think it’s not going to happen and am bracing myself for another disappointment. It is this never-ending cycle of cycles. It’s mentally draining. I want to POAS but i am afraid of it being neg….even more so since it’s valentine’s day/DH bday and a holiday wknd!!!! I will be so depressed if it’s BFN!!!! And i need to focus on love and happiness. I’m afraid i won’t be able to control my emotions w/ another BFN. So i’m torn…if i test on the 14^th it cld be negative or it cld be pos. (der) a BFN on this special day wld be disaster but a BFP on this special day wld be EXTRA EXTRA special! I feel like i’ll know if i’m preg and so far i don’t feel it so i’m assuming it’ll be neg. of course implantation might not have even happened yet! DAMN! U see? I’m a raving lunatic. My prog level is 40 btw. They called me on thurs. to tell me. i had this feeling like “wow maybe that’s a sign that i’m pg or will be soon.” But i went online and saw that prog levels on clomid can be very high, so it wasn’t any special sign or anything. The prog is making me more emotional (of course the 2WW is cause for heightened emotions in and of itself). I think i’ll go to IVF if this doesn’t work. I don’t wanna play around anymore. I don’t wanna sit and wait and wonder each f’ing month. I don’t wanna go to the dr. and pay all this money and get disappointed over and over and over again. I know i’m going off right now but i need to vent. I think i’m mentally strong enough and hold my honey’s bday up to a high enough standard of respect that i won’t spoil it w/ being a big baby but i am not sure…

I feel fat and disgusting too.

WOW what timing..just got an email from Kim with an Amma vid link in it. incredible! I feel so blessed. I really want to go to her ashram. I just wish there were less ppl! LOL. Brought tears to my eyes. I felt amma’s blessing through the vid. She is so amazing. I am so lucky to know her.

This morn i saw a poor dog. He was “running” as best he cld. He obviously had a broken leg but he was wearing a collar and going into some snow. He was white, not very big or small. I really had a moment in which i was going to go after him but all the thoughts of being late to work…how do i get him? What if he’s aggressive? “where will i take him?” etc ran through my head so i didn’t try but then i regretted it a bit. I know i am more emotional/sentimental b/c of the hormones but i felt so bad for him/her. I prayed that he would be ok. I prayed to amma. If i see him again, i will try to get him!

Still unsure about when i’ll test….i seriously doubt i’ll be able to control myself if i’m given the “go ahead” to POAS though. DH said i cld test starting tomorrow. So i prob will knowing me. ok that’s it for now. Papa.

February 16, 2010

L BFN.

I started to fool myself today and think that maybe i was pg bc my boobs started to feel a little sore/full again on the way for the bloodwork at the dr’s office. But NO. just PMS. will def. do insemination this coming cycle. Nurse said i’d prob get my period in a day or 2. based on the last 2 cycles, i’ll prob get AF tomorrow. 28 day cycles on clomid so far. I am to go back to the office on CD3. so prob on sat.

February 17, 2010

I have an “evil” plan. … To take the clomid i have left over and not go to the dr’s office at all this cycle! how great wld that be!? The only thing that’s making me hesitate is that we were thinking of giving IUI another shot this cycle to improve our chances. I just love the idea of not having any dr. appts. It’s like a sigh of relief in my bones. I know the ropes. I’m 1 pill short but i’m sure it’ll do enough egg plumping up that it’d be fine. I’ll talk to my DH about it and see what he thinks. I have a feeling he’ll like the idea. Then if that doesn’t work, we’ll go to the IUI cycle. i still notice more floaters which concerns me but it’s not very bad.

i’ll do clomid starting on CD 3 and use mucinex and preseed!

February 18, 2010

Got AF….cool… onto the next cycle. tom. will be CD1. Will start clomid on CD3 (Sunday, 2/21) as i heard that might be more successful. OMG if i got pg this cycle, my due date wld be right on thanksgiving! J i can’t help myself with this due date calculation thing…it’s addictive!

February 22, 2010

CD4

I took clomid yesterday and had sharp pains in my right ovary area. Today i had a few pains in my left ovary area. I pray i’m not having the ovarian hyperstimulation. I’ll see how i feel tonight after taking it. i know that i should be monitored but i don’t wanna go to the dr. should know by around 3/13 if we were successful.

February 23, 2010

CD5

No probs w the clomid yesterday—yay! I checked and i have a lotta preseed left. Just have to get the mucinex.

One should buy the plain kind with no letters after it. The only active ingredient is guaifenesin, and it contains 100 mg per teaspoon. It is very important to avoid the versions that contain decongestants as those may dry up cervical mucus. Also, there is some conflicting information about whether dextromethorphan, the DM in some cough medicine names, may be linked to birth defects such as neural tube defects and cleft palate.

What is the recommended dose of guaifenesin?

… two teaspoons (200 mg) taken orally three times per day. If mucus still appears thick and doesn't have good spinnbarkeit (ability to stretch), one can take as much as four teaspoons (400 mg) four times per day (the maximum dose on this over the counter medication). Each dose should be taken with a full glass of water, and attention should be given to drinking plenty of fluids throughout the day -- one needs water to produce mucus.

What cycle days should one take guaifenesin?

…it is now more common for doctors to suggest starting guaifenesin about five days before expected ovulation and continuing through ovulation day (six days total, for those with regular cycles). For those with irregular cycles, one should start taking guaifenesin about five days before the earliest day ovulation might be expected. For those taking Clomid (clomiphene citrate, Serophene) in a 5-day protocol, one can probably wait until the day after the last Clomid pill before starting the expectorant.

I should start the cough syrup orally 2 tsp. 3x/day starting from Thursday feb. 25. –march 5. i’ll drink lotsa water too!

February 23, 2010

CD7

Finished the clomid YAY!! J have really been enjoying reading the posts on the FVL disc. board. Well, sometimes they’re sad but of course there is comfort in knowing i’m not alone. Someone just posted how she had 2 blighted ovums and 1 chem. Pg. after being diagnosed. wow—sound familiar?? If i get pg. this month it will be exactly 1 year since my last actual preg. that wld be weird. The woman that posted what i just mentioned also said that she was told that blighted ovum can be caused by FVL. Wow!

March 2, 2010

Predicted this to be O day but not sure. No EWCM ..but not sure if it’s too late to get Mucinex. BD’d each day since sat. i had EWCM a few days ago but seems too early for O. who knows!! Nips are not sore so prob haven’t o’d yet.

March 3, 2010

CD13

Not positive if I O’d or not so I can’t write “DPO”. I know I am CD13 though. Had a weird dream last night. Was outside and i remember Monique and some other lady were reminiscing and one young girl (about 6 or 7) came over to me and hugged me. it felt very nice. Then i remember being in this home and maybe it was supposed to be monique’s…not sure. I remember some messiness. The next thing i remember…i was in a wider, clearer area and amma was coming. I remember amma standing near a wall structure that had an opening in it and she was pushing people through the opening rather forcefully. It seemed they liked it—like it was fun/good for them. i didn’t want to do this though. as amma started to walk away with her back turned to the wall, the wall came down and landed on her head. she stood for a second and seemed to think it was ok but then fell down and was lying there. Nobody moved to her. I remember feeling like i wanted to run to her but b/c she is a saint/guru, feeling like i couldn’t presume to help her. But then i realized that amma would expect someone to help another out of love and caring no matter who that person was. I guess i felt intimidated for a second or expected others to do that job. So i went to her. I sat on the ground and had her head in my lap. I put something on her head and was holding it there. She seemed to like this and was very content there as was i. i remember something after that…there was a piece of cloth or paper and three coins kind of sewed/attached to the top and maybe 3 names/words…not sure. There was some writing on it. i think she handed it to me and i wasn’t sure who it was for. I didn’t want to keep it as i felt it should go to the owners of the home or something. I felt too humble to take a gift from amma. Not sure what happened next…i woke up! I feel it is a special dream and maybe a gift/blessing. I hope so!

March 5, 2010

2DPO

Ok. So i don’t really know that i’m 2DPO but i’ve made an executive decision and decided that’s what i am! Nips r a little sore. I guess they won’t be as much as last month since i had less clomid this time. So, the window for implantation is: Monday 3/8-Sunday 3/14. lucky st. patty’s day is coming up so i hope i have the luck-o-the-irish!! J The most common implantation day wld be Fri March 12.

March 9, 2010

6DPO

DH and i were planning on going on a cruise and then i read online how, if you’re preg when you are getting on the boat, you have to bring a dr.’s note stating that you aren’t high risk! I talked 2 dr. B and he said i wld def be high risk and didn’t recommend i take a cruise…to go somewhere land-based. We were realllllyyy psyched about that cruise. So essentially, 3 options: 1. i am not pg this cycle and we skip a cycle so we can go on the cruise. 2. i am pg and we don’t go. 3. i’m not pg and we don’t skip a cycle and don’t plan on going just in case it works. I know we can do the travel ins. but it wld be too much trouble to book it knowing we might not get to go. That wldn’t be fun. L i never thought i’d have a slight feeling that i hope i don’t get pg. but i do!! Slight, but it’s there. DH is trying to use reverse psychology on me…like he hopes i don’t get pg so we can get on the cruise…so maybe my mind/body will go against that. He’s so funny.

Soo…. I was a lil nauseous this morn….but sometimes i feel that way just from taking the pills i take in the morn on an empty stomach. I’ll try not to think it means anything. lol. It’s a bit too early for those symptoms!

3 days until the most common implantation day!

If we don’t go on the cruise…and it’s not looking good…then we’ll prob do an all-inclusive hotel. My boobs aren’t very sore. A lil concerned about that. But, i’m going to take topical prog before bed to give me a lil boost. I’ll feel better mentally knowing i’m taking it. sun. march 14 is daylight savings time and “mothering Sunday” in the U.K. that is the date i can test. As usu. it seems like an eternity.

Mothering Sunday is a Christian festival celebrated throughout Europe. Secularly it became a celebration of motherhood.^[1] It is increasingly being called Mother's Day, although that other holiday has a completely different origin.^[1] In the UK it is considered synonymous with Mother's Day as celebrated in other countries.

I don’t recall if i mentioned this, but march 28, 2009 was the last time i was preg. it wld be weird if i got preg. 1 year later. TTC is all about numbers…dates…days of waiting…hours of wanting….minutes of counting the days. Nothing else to report. Over n out. 10-4. (See, more numbers!)

March 11, 2010

Soo…..I had feelings last night that I might be..u know what. But i’m a bit confused b/c now they’re gone. I couldn’t sleep and that was a tell-tale sign for me. my heart was beating a bit fast and i just felt pregnant. But then i woke up this morn and no feelings at all…my boobs/nips aren’t at all sore or anything. so who knows? I was sooo tempted to POAS. I am so tired. I was up from 2:15-4:30ish. I think i can convince DH to let me test on Sat so that if it’s pos. i can make an appt to get my hormone levels checked. That’s what’s concerning me…if i am, i really need to know that the levels are good. I HATE this waiting game!!!! :/ part of what makes me wonder too is that i took a topical prog. cream…so maybe i was just reacting to that. I am afraid it might be another one of those false alarm chem. Pg. that wld suck. Ok ok i can’t know right now so i’ll find out soon enough. well, not soon enough for me… L OH and also DH said I felt very warm last night.. that is another tell-tale sign but i also felt i had a sore throat.

BTW, i will be going for an interview next week—1 wk from today at 9:30am. I was thinking last night—wldn’t that be insane timing—new job interview/pregnancy all at the same freakin time?! when it rains it pours…well, we’ll see if it’s the case.

March 12, 2010

Ugh

Well, seems this cycle is a bust. I am doing research online about IVF. I just wanna do this the most time-effective successful way. That seems to be the way to go. Haven’t taken the test yet but i can feel i’m not. any symptoms have disappeared. Perhaps a chemical?? Who knows. Will test tom. I’ll ask dr. b next week. about doing the IVF. Dr. davis told me it wasn’t so bad.

March 19, 2010

CD2

So, obviously no good news. L Will be doing clomid w/ IUI this cycle and IVF cycle after if the upcoming 1 doesn’t work. Naturally, i noted that if i get pg next cycle, our baby will come right before Christmas. If following cycle, it’ll be ’11. have to admit, the thought of a 1/11/11 baby is pretty cool. I know my DH would roll his eyes at this but i can’t help it. we can’t plan to go on a cruise bc of the possibility of being preg. so we’ll prob plan an all-inclusive get-away. My period is very heavy and quite painful this time. i do feel i may’ve had a chem. again. The weather is nice and tomorrow is the 1^st day of spring. Warm wknd predicted. Maybe the springy-ness, new life time of year will inspire my ovaries.

March 29, 2010

CD 12

Went for a scan/blood today. had a juicy egg about 23 i think and 1 around 17. This cycle i’ll take a shot (tonight) of ovidrel to make me ovulate a little sooner. Praying it doesn’t cause any bad side effects since we’re going away on Sunday. J that’ll be nice! Scared about the injection but it’ll be a good way to break me in for the lovenox! Should O 36 hours after the shot. So, i’ll take it around 9pm. Luckily i don’t teach tomorrow so if i have side effects (it’s a big dose of HCG) it won’t be too bad. Also, i will be off on Wed. for the IUI. It’s discouraging that the chances of preg are only about 20% w/ IUI. Will def. do the IVF next cycle if this doesn’t work. Tired of all this!!!! :/

March 30, 2010

CD13

I did it!! i gave myself an injection! Tom, is the IUI. I didn’t have any real reaction/side effects. It didn’t hurt either. I’m glad i did it. i just thought of it like, “don’t think of it!” and it worked. I just did it. J glad it’s done and everything went well. J since it’s HCG, i’ll have to wait a bit longer to POAS. 10 days past trigger it should be outta my system….so that’s April 8. i have an HPT to bring w/ me on the cruise. J it’s cool b/c i’ll O on the last day of the month so I don’t have to count. 11DPO is April 11! So i can test on Sun April 11. :0) it’s amazing i still can be enthusiastic after all these freaking months of trying. It wld be great if we were successful and didn’t have to do the IVF next cycle.

April 2, 2010

2 DPO

The IUI went well…meaning not painful and no problems. Stayed home and rested. Hadn’t slept well the night before so i napped for a couple of hours. BD’d that night. Was feeling nipple soreness so it seems we really got the perfect timing. J found out i only had 1 egg actually. The other 1 was already there a while ago and was not a good follicle….maybe a cyst? I dunno. Well 1 is all it takes right? At least i don’t have to worry too much about twins. I’m glad my mind will be occupied w/ our trip so i don’t have to wonder every day. I’ll take salmon oil a few times a day and other thinning meds. Wld be pretty funny if we are successful—having a Christmas baby. It wld actually be due a cpl days before Christmas! We were saying how that’s the worst time to be born!

April 13, 2010

CD 2

Well…you know what CD2 means so the IUI didn’t take. SIGH…off to IVF world! I am strangely excited at this prospect. I feel it will be successful but also fearful it won’t. i’m a little scared about all the medical aspects of it but not too much. I’ll go in on Thursday for blood/scan and then next week i’ll have a “trial transfer” to make sure he can get in there ok. Shouldn’t be too bad. Might be having the real deal around april 23, or 24, or 25.

Had a great vacation…good to have that before something kinda monumental and stressful for sure. :0) was very romantic and nice.

Now…i feel like we’ll be lucky this time b/c IF this works…the baby will be a Jan ’11 baby…in other words 1/’11…possibly a 1/11/11 baby! How cool is that! 111 is my lucky number!!! J my mom wld freak!!!! Ok settle down now….

April 15, 2010

CD 5

Just had blood and sono done today. they called and said the blood “looked good”—i guess the color was a nice red. No idea what they tested for. I will go back on mon for a saline sono + trial transfer. Oh joy. Not too bad but not fun either. Dunno if i’m supposed to be on birth control for 1 month. Guess i’ll find out on Monday. Also worried that the implantation won’t happen b/c of my clotting issues after the transfer. I am reading that a lot of places prescribe the lovenox to take after the transfer. That makes sense to me. i guess i’ll just consume as many natural blood thinners as possible.

That’s it for now!

April 16, 2010

CD6

Went to SB Hosp today. it was annoying…up & down elevator a few times. Had blood taken, brought in semen spec. the crazy thing was that i forgot to get a cup and DH “put” it in a clean glass container i had in the cabinet. I called dr. b’s office and they said that he has to be in a sterile container so i drove there 1^st (luckily only a lil out of the way from SB hosp) got the sterile cup and poured the contents into that one from the glass container! I hope the non-sterileness of the glass container will be okay. We’ll get the results on mon. it was tiring. 2 hours late to work. “dr. time” so not so bad.

April 23, 2010

CD who cares?

So, have some catching up to do…. Got the results on mon. when i went for the saline sono + trial transfer. That was ok..i lil uncomfortable but not bad. It shows i have a little resistance to r’s sperm or smth…not sure. Not a high number though so he wasn’t too concerned. DH’s sperm was low normal as usual. Not sure if there was any change from last time. will have to ask that. w/ the saline sono—a lot of the salt water came out so it wasn’t the best “viewing.” He said it’s up to me if i wanna err on the side of caution and do it again or do the HSG. I opted to not do anything. hope i made the right choice.

Next…went to the IVF seminar. It was good…informative, was a BITCH to get to though. In mineola…(an hour away) stopped 1^st to go w/ DH from his job. Got off the wrong exit…then had to turn around…blah blah blah…finally got to his workplace. We drove there together and just as we were about to get to the office, the freaking RxR crossing went down and we were stuck there for a few minutes…we were already late! GRRR!! Very stressful! L then we were going to go to green melody for dinner but THEY WERE CLOSED! L oh well…it was late; we were tired so we just bought some food at whole foods and went home. I kicked myself after thinking i should’ve asked the presenter if any of the dr.’s prescribe lovenox..she might not’ve known anyway..she’s a lab tech it seemed.

Nice to have a couple of ppl i can talk to via email. 1 lady is a cpl steps ahead of me in IVF. She hasn’t started taking the stim. meds yet. this will def. be interesting. I have no idea when i’ll be starting the meds…1^st have to take birth control pills…who knew!? Next appt is an injection class…that’s tomorrow. After that is dr. consent forms on Thurs. april 29.

i plan to do the acupuncture w/ the IVF too to get maximum benefit (i hope)!

May 5, 2010

CD24

The injection class was very scary. DH & I had a bad day that day…arguing stressed I guess. But he did well in understanding how to mix & measure the meds. I will prob do the injection itself. Went to see dr. B yesterday. The VERY good news is that he’ll put me on lovenox at transfer!!!!! WOOHOOO!!!

I have this tiny seed of wondering b/c we had unprotected sex once and it was prob a cpl days past O but i have no idea this time since i was un-medicated and not being monitored, so goddess only knows when i O’d! on CD3 i’ll start birth cntrl pills. According to dr b’s “guesstimate” we’ll be doing the transfer around june 14^th-ish.

Right before dad’s day!

Kim had an amazing dream that amma was dancing and saying “you are doing Seva!” and was very happy and all this glittery light came out of her and landed on my head. Def. a blessing! The day of her dream i was chanting and looking at amma’s pic and feeling like she knew that i was doing the seva (editing a book on death from an ashram person.)

May 10, 2010

CD2

Okay, so here goes….will start the BC pills tomorrow I suppose. This is starting to freak me out. Had “a moment” over the wknd b/c it was not only mom’s day but also the anniv. of my m/c. had a cry and was better. We had a nice wknd though. Had a cpl from germany over and a guy from Sweden. They’re nice. Was happy to see DH chatting w/ a guy about the NBA. J we’ve made the decision to transfer 2 embies. 3 if they don’t look so great. If all goes well, i’ll be preg in time for dad’s day. J

May 11, 2010

CD3

Went to the dr. today and got the script for the (BCP) birth c. pills. Will start those today. had some serious doubts on the way to the dr this morn about going through w this but i do feel it’s for the best so i’ll stick w/ it.

May 12, 2010

CD4

Took the BCP last night and felt a bit emotional and bloated quickly! Had some weird dreams. It is depressing that my chances are about 22% or so for IVF bc of my freaking age. I am starting to think we should transfer 3 embies but we’ll play it by ear. I’ll start the Lupron shot on Monday. Yippie! NOT. i already don’t like how i feel after 1 pill!

May 18, 2010

So, had my first Lupron shot yesterday. DH prepared the shot and I put it in. It wasn’t so bad. I was a bit nervous but it wasn’t too bad. Went today for the IVF overview/Q&A with a nurse. That was helpful. It seems my transfer will prob be around the 2^nd week of June if all goes well. I stop the BCP on Sunday the 23^rd. i’m supposed to go in the 2^nd/3^rd day of bleeding & start the stim meds. The beta is done 2 wks after the transfer regardless of whether it’s a 3 or 5 day transfer. She said it’s usu a 5 day transfer. :/

DH was very sweet…cleaned the tub so i cld have a bath. J

The dr’s visits are prob going to be the toughest part of this whole thing….that and the 2WW!

May 20, 2010

The shot was a “cinch” last night. The night before i barely touched it to my skin and it was very painful but then i realized: 1) i didn’t numb it w/ ice and 2) i was in the same spot i poked the day before. After numbing it and going to a dif. spot last night, it was totally fine. J i am doing ok w/ this it seems. J surprisingly. I’m just anxious to start stimming. Got the lovenox approved and it’ll be delivered today.

Heard a labor horror story yesterday which made me question what i’m doing. Rachel who was told she could never get pregnant, got preg and had her baby the day after mom’s day. But she had to be in the hosp for 5 days b/c of preeclampsia. Sounds like it was a close call for her. She had an emergency C-section. Ugh….these stories and images make me very wary/depressed. DH reminded me last night that i’m supposed to politely refuse to hear these stories. Not always easy to do politely. I need to focus on NOW not what might or might not happen in the future. Right now everything is fine. I’m very happy b/c we are becoming friendly w/ a german couple and the guy is a great friend match for DH. A pity he’ll be going back to germany in a couple months but i’m just happy DH can have a guy connection. I’m sure it helps w/ his stress levels. I adore my DH and only want the best for him. I want him to be happy.

May 24, 2010

Took the last BCP on Sat. (2 days ago). Wondering when AF will show up. Hope to get it quickly.

Showed mom/Kenny me and DH doing our shot routine last night. My mom was freaking out.

May 25, 2010

Got AF. So glad it came so quickly!! J i’ll call dr. b tom.

May 28, 2010

Weirdness!!!! I went to the dr. yesterday so they cld check my hormone levels and do a sono to make sure there were no follies. I was supposed to start the stim shots last night. So they didn’t see any follies, but they called 2 say my estrogen was high. So they wanted me to come back to check to make sure there were no follies that they missed. I was like “Huh??” it made me depressed like smth was wrong and we’d have to cancel the IVF or smth. I was confused.

so i went back to the office and they did the sono. This time i pushed on the left side and lo-and-behold—a 19mm follie! How odd! The BCP did not stop my body from producing an egg. Not sure how that happened but it’s very unusual. Saw dr. b afterwards and he said that they might keep me on the lupron for a few more days and then i told him about my ESOL Celebration for june 17 and he did his calculations and estimated i’d be having the transfer on the date of the celebration so he recommended we not do IVF this cycle (!) and try natural or insemination. Just let this eggie do it’s thing and stop the lupron (based on bloodwork from today). so, i’m waiting to hear from the dr.’s office now about the bloodwork. Naturally, DHand i are both feeling like “maybe this is a sign” –like a mini miracle or smth. J we’ll have 2 get busy this wknd. LOL guessing i’ll O in a cpl days or so. I don’t wanna get my hopes up though. Maybe this was Amma’s blessing. J

the cool thing is, the DPO will start on June 1 so it’s easy to “count” the days. J well, i really have to wait n see what the dr’s office says before getting too excited. Hmm..tried dr’s office and nobody’s picking up. Might have to do an “emergency” call to find out what i’m supposed to be doing. :/

….Okayyy…. So even though i told them to call the work number instead of the cell phone, they left a msg on the cell phone which i didn’t get b/c it was off. Anyway, i just checked and even though my phone showed no missed calls, i decided i’d just check voicemail and there it was…and get this…the first message was from the dr’s office for “peggy” telling her her pregnancy hormones and progesterone look great. I had a gulping moment like “was this really a msg for me and she just said the wrong name?” (they did check for preg. hormone.) But then i listened and the next msg was from dr. B saying that my estrogen continued to rise and i shld stop the lupron and monitor for ovulation. And he thinks it’ll happen pretty soon. i’ll call the office tomorrow and let them know what happened w the voicemail and to find out when i shld come in for bloodwork. Oy. Well, it’s kinda good news. I mean i’m a bit freaked out bc i mentally psyched myself up for this IVF thing and have been giving myself shots for no reason for a while now…but also relieved. It’s the “last shot” before IVF all over again. A freak thing that happened and we’ll give it our best shot. DHdoesn’t wanna do the insem. & i’m on the fence. Feeling like it might help a little… but since i did the egg naturally maybe we shld try naturally one more time. (maybe w/ the lovenox @ O??)

June 7, 2010

CD?

So, the follicle was nothing. Very disappointing. L went to the dr. a cpl times and the estrogen went down the prog. went up….so now we’re in wait-n-see mode. Dr. b wants me to come back in on Wed to see how my hormones are doing. The follie is still there—really a cyst—but it is a lil smaller. But i didn’t get my period as they thought i wld. So it was an upsetting mind F to get all ready for the stim, w/ the shots + BCP + dr visits (blood/sonos) for …what feels like NOTHING. Bummer. This journey is quite a roller coaster ride huh?

Ok so wed it is…i’m almost at the point of wanting to give the natural way 1 more try. Ugh.

June 10, 2010

Still ?

I was supposed to go to the dr. yesterday but i didn’t. i just couldn’t be bothered. I wanted to stay up a bit to watch the NBA finals and didn’t want to force myself to go to bed so i could get up to go to the dr to find out that nothing had changed. I changed the appt to fri. i think my body/hormones are in limbo right now. Not sure what’ll make it change besides time. found out that dr. B is a respected poet. It’s a medical poetry…weird.

I have my own idea…might’ve mentioned it here before, but i think it would be great to have a “TTC TV” channel or show re infertility/TTC issues and stories. I’m thinking about how i can do it. maybe ask cablevision if i can start a show on the free cable channel? I just checked and i cld do it on cablevision. It’s a very involved process. I wonder what the pros and cons would be of doing on cable vs. youtube. I think youtube wld get more viewers and it wld be easier. The pros of cable wld be that it wld look professional for a major netwrk to pick up. I can do the youtube thing in the comfort of my own home w/o following strict taping requirements. I’ll look into youtube and what i need for that.

June 11, 2010

Well, the weirdness continues!!!! Had the sono and they found another egg. The weird thing is (well 1 of the weird things) is that i predicted that. I felt that i was a bit more bloated and wondered if i went directly to making another egg again. This one is about 18 or 19 so it’s about ready to go. Now we have to decide whether to give this egg a shot or skip it and go directly to lupron. I wouldn’t have to do the BCP—not sure why but that’s what Dr. B said. I think i’d like to try w/ this egg and not get my hopes up like we did for the last egg. I mean i’m sure we will b/c it wld be awesome to get preg (and stay preg) w/o having to do the IVF but i was so disappointed last time that it didn’t work w/ the “miracle egg” i know not to get excited again. Even dr. B was like “this is interesting” and proceeded to tell me about a lady who suffered from infertility for 10 years and was about to do IVF and got pregnant…she started the lupron which is contraindicated (?) for pregnancy and now she’s 20 wks w/ the worry that something bad happened b/c of the lupron. He said another lady only ovulated twice a year and started taking a medicine to do ivf and got preg. of course these stories make me think “maybe it’s our time to be one of dr. b’s crazy stories.” So i can’t help myself in the hopefulness dept. also, i had a book about amma with me in the sono room so i felt it was an auspicious thing. Dr b told me to test for ovulation which i guess i’ll do. And to come in to get my prog. tested a wk later. We’ll see what the bloodwork says today. i’m guessing i’ll O this wknd. FYI-lining 10—great!

June 14, 2010

1DPO (just a guess)

I dunno if i o’d yet or not but i got bloodwrk today (at work) and will know the results tom. If a miracle happened, i’d prob know by june 22 (9DPO) —just so happens i took that day as a vaca day. That wld be a nice surprise. BD’d sat, sun, and mon mornings. March 6, ’11 wld be the due date. I can’t help myself. I’ll start prog. and blood thinning herbs as soon as i know if i really O’d this time. i pray it’s a good egg, not like the last one. Shocking that i still have hope. Just noticed—39 pages! Wow! Hey, that’s my age!

June 18, 2010

5 DPO

My DPO guess in prev. post was correct! Got the b-work results on tues and they confirmed ovulation. Have been taking the prog and estrogen. The prog is not making my nips sore like it was…wondering if this old prescription is still effective. I’m going to the dr. tom to get b-work to see the prog/estro. levels so i’ll know more tom. It’s making me tired but not giving me psycho dreams. I did dream of ladybugs yesterday though. J i dreamed i was in a vacation type hotel room. And i think it wasn’t my room but i looked at some mags and books on a shelf and saw pictures of white-ish colored ladybugs on the covers. I was amazed by it and got the impression that these unusual ladybugs were living in this area…indigenous to this place. They had spots but were not red…more white-ish. I was excited by knowing they were around and wanted to see them. i hope this is a good sign. Praying for implantation pangs and preg symptoms. I’m now in the implantation zone….until Thursday. I’m taking natural b-thinners and hoping this was the missing link.

Amma’s program is coming up july 4-6. thinking about going. I’ll be super depressed i think if i don’t get preg and have to face the IVF reality again. Getting side-tracked has really made me feel like i don’t want to go through it. not dealing with it has been so nice. Taking prog is a pain but it’s nothing compared to the dr visits and injections!

June 21, 2010

8 DPO

No sign of preg symptoms. Found out my prog was 40 and estrogen 280 so everything looks good hormonally. I bought 3 HPTs yesterday. I will prob wanna use 1 tomorrow but i really don’t feel i’m preg. i’m sure that i’m not. feeling bummed out already. L shld prob wait until thurs but i doubt i’ll have the willpower.

June 23, 2010

10 DPO

Feeling the effects of the prog but not anything i’d call preg symptoms exactly. No implantation feelings. I’m so bummed today. DH is forcing me to wait until fri to test. I know what the results will be anyway so it doesn’t matter though i’d just like to POAS as i’m an addict. Saw that it’s the anniv. of MJ’s death on TV and that anniversary is also my fertility treatment anniv. the 1^st time i went to the office, i heard the MJ death news. So that’s depressing me more. L WTF?

I feel dread about doing the IVF stuff. But i also feel like “lets DO this!” stop the madness. Implantation can still happen at 10-11dpo so crossing my fingers.

June 24, 2010

11 DPO

Had a weak moment and came very close to taking an HPT yesterday but i realized i’d feel dishonest so i didn’t. i’ll take it tomorrow. Then i’ll know for sure. I already know it’ll be a BFN so just doing it so i can stop taking the hormones w/ 100% certainty. IVF here i come…..

June 28, 2010

CD1

Almost 4^th of july wknd thank God! Got my period in the mid of the night,…well really early morn (5am) and thought i would die. Was quite painful and heavy—guess bc i skipped one it is more heavy. DH was sweet enough to get up to look around for advil and i joined in the search party. I found a small packet in a pocketbook zipped section. I was sooo relieved. I actually did fall asleep about a half hour later and felt like a was coming out of a coma when the alarm went off. :/ so…i guess we’re in IVF mode now. In a cpl of days i’ll go to get bloodwork and sono and start the BCP. I have the stronger script now so i hope they do the trick! I’m praying 2 be preg by my bday. So i can say i did it before 40!!!

July 13, 2010

So, been on the BCP (stronger dose) and that’s been ok. Started lupron –been on it for 4 days. Will go back to the dr’s office on fri. and make sure there’s no egg (please God!) and then i guess i’ll start stimming. Looks like transfer will be last wk of july or 1^st wk of aug. i am excited! J the shots r more painful this time so that’s weird. I think i’m not numbing enough maybe. Can’t believe i’ll be sticking myself w/ 3 shots. Oy. Hope everything goes well.

July 16, 2010

Sooo….NO EGGS! Yay! (never thought i’d be excited by that.) But, we’ll have a better confirmation later w/ the bwork. Last time they said no eggs and there was 1 hiding. I had the good tech today but i didn’t push down on the left ovary cuz he didn’t say so and seemed very confident that nothing was there so i’m crossing my fingers that it’s true. So now i stop BCP –cool! And just take lupron….wait to get AF and then after 2-3 days of AF, go back to the office, get checked out and then start stims. I shld get AF in a cpl-few days. He said it might be light so i’ll keep a lookout for that. Woohoo! J

7/16 update…

Nurse called and said everything looks fine and i shld call on Monday if no period. Maybe even come in on Monday. So that’s it. i’m praying this goes quickly and swimmingly!

July 20, 2010

Survived my first night of stim injections!! J DH and I watched the injection vids they gave us and then he prepared the injections. It is crazy to see what our dining rm table looked like. There were syringes in piles and viles of medications sitting there and literature on injections spread out. Even if someone came in our place today, they’d see a bunch of syringes on the table and prob think we were running a meth lab. Anyway, I was getting pretty nervous while the prep was going on. So i took menopur + follistim + lupron. All in all, it was ok. The menopure burned a bit going in which was unpleasant but not terrible. After the 1^st two a lil blood came out which had never happened before and freaked me out a little. But really, it wasn’t terrible. I think the bloated feeling from the eggs will be the worst part. Praying i don’t get OHSS.

OH—and during my dr’s appt yest, morn i told them how we had run out of lupron syringes and were using a dif 1. (28 gauge vs. 29 gauge.) they said that was a mistake and that the sizes are not comparable. So i had to call them this morn and tell them the amt. I was taking for a few days. DH felt badly about it and apologized. At least it prob didn’t do any harm. I had no eggs and was either a lil under-suppressed or a lil-over-suppressed. Will find out later when they call me back.

July 22, 2010

Wow…will have gone to the dr’s office 4 times this wk by tom. Today i went just for bwork and they called to say that the estrogen is going up a lot so they want me in tom for a sono and bwork. There might be some “activity” (follies) so that’s good. I hope to see some on the sono! This dr sched is bruuu-tallll. Today a nice Korean lady made me lunch and gave me a Buddhist book. It was so touching i almost cried. Damn hormones! J DH’s been great w/ prepping the meds. So far i feel positive and not too frazzled strangely. I am trying to stay calm.

July 23, 2010

Had to come back to the dr today…sheesh! But the good news is that things look “beautiful” so far as the nurse put it. i have about 6 follies at 10. but they said another batch could come in so it’s not like that’s it which is what i was afraid of. so things are looking good so far. J They’ll call later and let me know if i shld keep the same dosages. She said i’d either be coming in on sun or mon. i made an appt for sat for acupunc. Hard to believe i’d make an appt to drive to the same area to get stuck w/ more needles but it’s supposed to be good for IVF so i’ll maximize my chances if i can. I feel strangely calm.

Oh i had a great dream last night. I was w/ my mom in the city and we went into some place and i saw amma sitting on a bench inside…like a train station or smth. And then she was in a room getting an arm massage. I realized that her arms prob hurt from hugging so many people…i was thinking, i wonder if i cld offer to massage the other arm..but no sooner had i thought that and amma was waving the woman away…she wanted to give darshan right there and then. I guess she saw so many needy ppl and didn’t want to waste time on herself. So she motioned for me to go into this other room. In the room there were only a few ppl. I got the feeling they were upper level swamis mixed w/ some devotees maybe. I realized that she was going to give darshan right away and i put my hand quickly down on the ground right in front of this Indian lady. So i got to be first! I sat down and went right up to amma’s lap. There were no helpers or anyone else –very unceremonious. She gave me a very nice long hug and was talking to me. i remember feeling like i didn’t want to hurt her arms or take up her time. i was concerned about her. She said something in ear…a few things but the only thing i remember was “trust”—in the dream i interpreted it to mean that i felt that the Kim crowd doesn’t trust me now that i didn’t go see amma. But now that i’m awake i realize (or believe) that it means to simply trust. Perhaps it relates to the IVF, or maybe just life but it was very nice. I guess it wasn’t so much needy ppl as it was a needy person. (me!) oh and then i saw my mom outside the room and motioned for her to come in…she was talking loudly and i was telling her to be quiet and patient bc i wanted her to get the hug too. More and more ppl were in the room now. Amma was not there. I don’t remember more. But i feel, again, like i rc’d a hug! J nice to just travel in one’s dreams for it rather than in “real” life! So, i’ll give the bwork update later.

Bwork update: everything looks ok. We’re staying w/ the same dosages. I go back on Sunday & prob. Monday. 8:00am on Sun. oy.

July 26, 2010

Soo tired! Been going to the dr’s office every freaking day. Went yesterday and they said i have 7 eggs total. Today he cld only see 6 but 1 might be hiding behind a big one in the left ovary. I was hoping for more eggs but just praying the quality is good...it’s not quantity as much as quality that matters of course. I feel a bit bloated..not too too bad. Haven’t heard from the dr’s office yet. I am getting very close though. Dr. b said prob only 1 more night of stims. (that’d b 11 days total.) Then i’ll do the trigger… unfortunately, bc i have a tricky left ovary, dr. b wants me to do a colon cleanse so there’s no gas in there and he said the ovaries sometimes expand a bit from this too. I can’t eat AFTER 2PM! L that sucks. i plan on eating a big ole’ buffet that day! I’ll call the office now to see what the bwork results are…

Ok—so increasing follistim to 225 and keeping the rest the same. Will go back tom at 8:30am. She thinks i’ll prob do the trigger tom night which means i’ll have the retrieval on thurs. we’ll see! I’m taking tom. off. Will need to take off a half day for the colon cleanse thing ugh….and then the day of the retrieval.

August 5, 2010

2dp5dt

Needles needles needles injections injections injections. Acupuncture, progesterone, lovenox! DH’s been great about doing the prog shots though i know he hates to do it and “stab me” as he puts it. retrieval went well and transfer went well. 2 embies: BB & BC though those grades aren’t very clear to me. they didn’t give them numbers which i read is what they usually do, like “5BB.” Maybe dr. b didn’t want to upset me w/ a bad number…? my hiney is sore from the prog shots and my boobs hurt from the prog in my blood. This is a bit uncomfortable for sure!

We’re waiting to find out if any can be frozen. They say you can donate your eggs if you don’t wanna use them or want them thrown out. I was thinking maybe i’d give it/them to cat if she wants. I dunno if that wld cause some future issues but i know she wants a baby badly. Today: prog 23 estrogen 500. will go back to the dr’s office on mon for another level check then on thurs for the big BETA test. O M G

If implantation happens, it’ll be on our 2 yr wed anniv. wknd awwww! I pray it happens. I am telling myself to trust amma and she’ll take care of it. i feel calmer than i expected. Did have a meltdown a cpl nights ago when DH put in the prog injection and it hurt bad. I just started crying and cldn’t seem to stop. I guess it was everything just pouring out.

Glad we got to the 5DT though. Was worried on day 3 if they’d ask us to come in which wld mean the embies weren’t doing too great.

Pretty tired pretty often so it’s not easy to work but i’m getting through it. just dying to find out if this worked or not to either move on or celebrate (with some nervousness.) again, TRUST i tell myself. Ok, that’s the update. Was too busy so i cldn’t write till now.

Looking forward to our anniv. we’re going to jed. Hawkins. J DH will love his present i think. A nice case to put his things in and personalized swim trunks.

August 6, 2010

3dpt

DH and i did the sitting last night and i felt like i had this energy or consciousness starting in my belly. It was prob my imagination but i hope it wasn’t.

Found this online (hope it’s accurate):

This is what happens in a 5dt:

-1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
0dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
3dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining ß TODAY (BUT haven’t felt anything)
4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
5dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops ß AUG 11 (cld POAS!)
9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

L Day

6dp5dt

I feel totally un-preg. it’s very depressing. The prog shot last night KILLED me. it was burning and i was wimpering in pain. I think it hit a nerve. UGH. Just 3 more days i keep telling myself. Even if i’m preg (which i’m pretty sure i’m not), i’ll beg for suppositories or a dif kind of oil. This sucks. i felt soo depressed today in the dr’s office. I just felt a moment of being overwhelmed by the futility of the bwork i was getting. Telling the nurse about the painful shot last night depressed me. i feel it’s all for nothing. It’s a terrible feeling. L

On a pos. note…had a wonderful anniv. J we went to jedediah Hawkins and relived the wonderful memories of our wedding day. There’s a garden there now. It’s very pretty. The dinner was DELISH and so was the dessert. My DH is so sexy and handsome. I am so lucky! Got wonderful presents. A beautiful personalized tapestry with our names in hearts and wedding bells over it. so wonderful. And hello kitty panties!! J i feel so happy and blessed.

The other pos. thing is that if i’m not preg. going off the shots will give me something to jump up and down in joy over. LOL it’s the little things.

…nurse called and my levels are good. DH said i cld POAS...strangely i don’t feel at all excited. I’ll do it tomorrow. I think it’ll help me to brace myself for the news on thurs. he is talking about what we will do for the next step if def BFN. Maybe the natural/acupuncture route? We’ll talk about it…

August 17, 2010

Got the depressing results. Am now seriously considering traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) w/ acupuncture. I am reading a book that shows how it can correct hormonal imbalances. It would take time but I think it might really help me. i have a terrible feeling like why didn’t i do this sooner. Guess i wanted a quick fix and was sucked into the western med infertility vortex. Well…as DH said, “there’s no use in thinking about what we could have changed now.” He’s right. Although i can’t stop doing it! :/ well…time to move on. My fert. ins benes have run out. So this fert. journey journal is taking a turn into a new direction. I am hopeful that my body mind and spirit will benefit from this fork in the road.

August 24, 2010

CD 10

Have been taking the TCM herbs and going to acup. I’ve gone twice and will go tonight. Haven’t noticed any EWCM yet. DHand i are discussing whether or not we should TTC this mo. hard decision. Maybe my bod’s not ready for that. Maybe i shld give it a chance to rejuvenate. DHwill be away in oct so we’ll miss that month. Chances are unlikely we’ll conceive this mo anyway so i guess my bod’ll get that rest anyway.

The herbs are bitter but not too bad, luckily! The acup. lady is not very friendly. She’s prob good but not too talkative/warm. I might try to change.

Of course i’d love to be preg for my bday….i think!

September 2, 2010

CD19

Might be almost O or O day! I have EWCM today. i’ve been checking the CM as my temps have been staying so low for so long. If my temp goes up the next couple of days, i’ll know for sure. J I read that you can O late after an IVF but this is ridiculous!

What is also ridiculous is that our fert. bene’s ran out and i didn’t know it. we owe over $3600. L that reallllly sucks. it’s very depressing. It’s in the bank but that’s our emergency $. I guess this is an “emergency” of sorts. It just sucks even more b/c i didn’t get preg from it…it’s like “u went through all that, didn’t get preg, and have to pay a ton of $$.” I know that many women pay out of pocket but it just is coming as a major shock as it was unexpected.

Naturally, i checked the cal and if i am o’ing, i won’t prob know until around the 13^th or 14^th…what an awesome bday pres that wld be!!! Ugh…trying not to get excited by the thought. After all, my body’s completely outta whack right now.

September 15, 2010

Wooo…still in my 30’s!! damn right! Come 1:11am….not so much. :/ Anywho….found out we owe the fert. dr’s over 6 grand. Yeah..u heard me right…how f’d up is that???? We’re going to fight it…i’m gonna wait till after my bday but we will fight this. The BNL lawyer said we had a leg to stand on and shldn’t have to pay it. i feel he’s right. We’ll see what happens. Just adds insult to injury huh?

We had a fab time in Disney though so we’re still happy from that. J

i’ve been having trouble sleeping…cld be from the bday…cld be from the $$....who knows?? But it sucks. ok ….guess i’ll write again in my 40’s… HOLY CRAP!

September 16, 2010

I’M FREAKING 40!!!! :P I feel okay though remarkably! Actually, DH has really given me a great feeling today with being very sweet and giving me beautiful beidronka earrings!! J i love them! he’s a sweetheart and i feel so blessed and happy to have him… Inga just stopped by and gave me the most beautiful pastry i’ve ever seen! A small cake with flowers on it. WOW. I have great friends too…so i have nothing to complain about really. J

(except that i got my “friend” today…a bday gift from mother nature…thanks a lot!) But actually it’s a good thing…the start of a fresh cycle…a new start… hopefully THE cycle. i have a good/lucky feeling. If i don’t get preg at least i know my body’s healing and getting prepped for a healthy pregnancy. J

Okay…gotta go! Xoxoxo ME

September 23, 2010

CD 8

So my temps have been 97.7 the past 3 days. Getting the acu. Regularly. Taking the herbs regularly. Last time i went, dr. yang said, “another miracle.” She had someone that had had repeated failed IVF’s who was told by dr’s that she’d never get preg. and now she’s “pregnant by natural” as she says. I hope i can be one of her success stories. I feel i will be. Unfortunately, bc of DH’s upcoming surgery, he can’t take any supplements. So, i hope the swimmers will be good on their own. My weight is slowly going down thank god. I feel happier and healthier and more calm…of course. Oh and i see i didn’t have the updated amt for the fertility bill—over $6300!!!!!!!! It’s F’d up. The lawyer here at BNL said we shldnt’ bother paying it. i will talk to the guy tomorrow from financial. Unbelievable!!! L what a shock.

October 15, 2010

The strangest thing happened….BFP! the even more strangest thing happened…I’m not excited and don’t feel pregnant at all!!! Can you believe it? 2 mos after IVF and i’m pregnant! I had my 1^st BETA HCG (3 wks 4 days or 14DPO) and it came back 425 and prog. 33. Both levels are pretty high so it’s odd. I’m dying to see what the next levels will be. LOL i guess i felt a little more hopeful today when i heard the numbers. I honestly thought…the level will probably be about 15 or so.

I feel a bit less pregnant though…..not that i really felt preg to begin w/ so who knows? I have too much going on right now to focus on this. :L: george is dying; DH just had surgery etc. i do truly feel that even if this results in a m/c, i am happy that i got pregnant. J i guess the acupuncture and herbs are working. Of course i’ll give the 2^nd beta update on Monday. I’m not getting too hopeful.

I really couldn’t believe my eyes when that “Pregnant” showed up on the Clear Blue digital test.

October 18, 2010

HCG – 754 so, it didn’t exactly double but i read it shld double every 48-70ish hours so i don’t think i’m totally out. My inc. was 77%. 60% every 2 days is considered normal. I got the bloodwork today so i’ll know the HCG numbers tomorrow. Hoping it’s at least 1400. i feel good about the number though oddly. (I told myself if it’s 750 or over i’ll feel ok…so…Whew!) Karen Dillinger (the OB lady) called and left a message saying she’s “happy” with the numbers. Shocking!

October 19, 2010

HCG 2585..HOLY CRAP! WTH? They said they might want me to come in sooner for a scan.

October 21, 2010

The dr’s office called back saying i didn’t need to come in and the numbers are fine. I think they’re freaking weird…and high. The last number tripled for god’s sakes. Can’t help but worry but i’m trying to stay positive. I’m very tired. Still going for acupuncture. I am trying to get an appt with an MFM but it hasn’t been easy. I hope i’ll find someone good. Btw oct 18 was george’s final breath. L new life/life extinguished. Profound time. i was thinking today about how it was birthday and of course my wish was to be pregnant…and it came true!

Yawn.

October 22, 2010

I’m freaking out b/c the few symptoms i had are disappearing. I don’t have that shortness of breath, my boobs are less sore, feeling less dead tired, don’t have the little feeling in the back of my throat. I am going to see if i can get an earlier sono. I am so scared that the crampiness i had after the acupuncture 2 days ago caused me to m/c. maybe the treatment was too strong. Ugh. I woke up a few times last night worried about this. I don’t have that same strong heartbeat feeling in my chest either. I’m going to call the OB today.

October 28, 2010

5 wks 5 days

I’m feeling very negative…angry, sad. I feel like i’ll find out the worst tomorrow and why do i have to go there to find out what i already know? It seems dumb. And the sono ppl will prob be surprised that i was right…i know my body. I truly hate sonos. And then delivering the bad news to everyone. Disappointing news. I’m feeling beyond NOT pregnant. It’s like the way i’d normally feel w/ a few extra pounds in the belly area. I can’t stop obsessing though—even though i know that smth’s wrong i can’t stop thinking about my lack of symptoms…like i’m trying to convince someone that the preg. is not going well b/c he/she/they won’t believe me. the nurse i have talked to on the phone is so nice and seems to think so positively about this pregnancy and seems so sure we’ll see what we’re supposed to see tomorrow. She shouldn’t be so optimistic—giving out false hope. I’m depressed. This month has sucked beyond belief.

November 1, 2010

LOL –well we saw the heartbeat and the OB said i’m measuring 6 wks 1 day—exactly on schedule. How f’ing weird! We didn’t get the BPM and i freaked a lil b/c the measurement on the sono pic she gave us was pretty small (3.7mm) which seems more like 5+ wks but perhaps she took the real measurement before taking the pic? Who knows…anyway that’s what she told us and hopefully she’s right. I’ll be going back this fri for the 7wk check and then the fri after that for the 8 wk check. I’m praying the 2 wks go great. Guess i’m just 1 of those weird cases of someone who doesn’t have many symptoms at all. I have moments of queasiness but they pass. Usu. in the morn. DH thinks i’m being way to negative but i’ll feel much better if the sono shows the approp growth and BPM this fri! i swear!!!!! J

November 2, 2010

I keep reading website forums w/ women describing how they don’t feel pregnant at all…that’s ME! I found one comment that brought a tear to my eye…

I think I understand what you are feeling. I didn't feel ''pregnant'' at all for the whole first half of my pregnancy. My own and my mother's medical problems made me afraid that the pregnancy wouldn't last, and I just didn't gain very much weight - nor did I have morning-sickness. After the baby started moving, and I started gaining a little more weight, I felt a little pregnant -- but I didn't feel joyful, or like a mommy, until the day after my son was born (the night he was born I was too tired to feel much of anything). The next morning, however, the feelings hit me in a huge wave. So it could be awhile, but I think that's normal, especially when there have been medical issues.

All the comments were good though: www.babycenter.com

So, if possible, I feel less preg than last wk and of course that’s making me think that the sono on Fri will include the words “I’m sorry…” i’ve had this “thick” thudding heartbeat feeling in me the past few weeks—the only “preg symptom” i seem to have and now i don’t feel that either so i’m worried. The embryo keeps proving me wrong time and time again so i hope it’ll do the same in 3 days.

Your pregnancy: 7 weeks

How your baby's growing:

The big news this week: Hands and feet are emerging from developing arms and legs — although they look more like paddles at this point than the tiny, pudgy extremities you're daydreaming about holding and tickling. Technically, your baby is still considered an embryo and has something of a small tail, which is an extension of her tailbone. The tail will disappear within a few weeks, but that's the only thing getting smaller. Your baby has doubled in size since last week and now measures half an inch long, about the size of a blueberry.

November 4, 2010

7 wks

I’m obsessed w/ what the BPM will be tomorrow. Praying to hear something higher, or much higher, than 120. praying there will be appropriate growth. Praying it’s still ok. I have a humongous bruise on my belly from the shots. Looks atrocious! Praying thanksgiving and xmas and new year can be joyful times. Next week…if things are still going well….embryo will graduate to a fetus.

November 8, 2010

Almost 7.5 wks

So Karen didn’t know how to do the BPM on the new machine. OY! They did a BPM “measurement” using a watch w/ a second hand and counting. That was aggravating b/c they come up w/ 108 BPM but then she said oh i think the assistant wasn’t counting fast enough but of course hearing the 108 made me feel smth was wrong. When i go this fri. i’ll demand the BPM! The good thing is that the HB was there—very fast in appearance and it measured 7.1 wks…right on sched.

November 10, 2010

7wks 6days

So not to sound like a broken record but i really DON’T feel pregnant!! It’s like the more pregnant i get, the less pregnant i feel. F’ing weird. I’m going to call the SB high risk OB office today to ask for an appt. i sent them a 50-pg fax w/ all my test results and now i think they’re punishing me for jamming up their fax machine by not calling me. they’re supposed to call me w/ an appt. i dreamed about bad, rotten, messed up eggs… maybe that’s my fear. My egg was chromosomally messed up and now it will cause a problem.

Last night DH and i had a nice chat though. He said he was tired of going from appt to appt just waiting/worrying. It’s true—that’s what we’re doing. So, we indulged ourselves in a little baby chat as if nothing could happen. It felt nice. We talked about names. We didn’t preface everything with codeword “asterisk” (for “*if things go well…”) we left out the asterisk and just talked as if everything wld be fine. It was nice. I’m feeling less tired, lost the constipation, and the usu. totally un-pregnant so I’m worried as per usual. I won’t tell DH b/c it must get old and seem like “the boy who cried wolf” at this point. I hope the baby keeps proving me wrong!

So tomorrow is 8 wks. I pray all is ok.

November 22, 2010

So everything was NOT ok. Had the 8wk sono and she couldn’t find the heartbeat. So another devastating blow. I had the D&C and that was really ok. Not too painful…very lil blood.

I’m almost tempted to TTC BEFORE the start of the next cycle. i’ve heard a lot of women do that and everything’s ok. I’ll ask the dr. on dec 1 when i go for my post-op.

So the holidays will suck like they did in 2008. L

December 14, 2010

The holidays are not sucking as bad as i thought they wld. I am relaxing and missing DH but focusing on doing some cleaning and decorating and relaxing. And listening to a LOT of xmas music! J i may’ve ovulated yesterday but no EWCM. The OPK looked pretty positive though. It’s now 3wks, 5 days since the D&C. i hope to get the results soon for what happened…if there are any answers. So it seems i’ll be getting my period before the end of the year. and then we can start the new year with new hopes and TTC. DH thinks we should really focus on relaxing. So we’ll do that as much as possible!

December 16, 2010

Definitely ovulating. Temps are over 98 now. Will go to acu. this sat. guessing i’ll get AF around Christmas day. Lovely! ;/ but it’ll be a gift in the sense that i can move on to the next cycle and get jiggie w/ it. that puts me at O’ing around 1/9. wld b cool if it was 1/11/11! That wld be super lucky!!! J but i guess it’s pretty darn close anyway. J to say your baby was conceived in 1/11 is neat! Annnnnd…that wld be a sept baby!! How awesome wld that be!? Once again i’m getting excited about dates and acting like i’ll get preg no problem. Well i’ve heard you’re more fertile after a m/c so maybe it will happen.

December 29, 2010

CD 5ish

Got AF on Christmas day. LOL yes it was an xmas present in my mind. Only spotting that day so i guess i’m really CD 6? I guess i’ll be O’ing around Jan 6. praying for a miracle New Year baby. It’ll be hard to not be very disappointed if we don’t conceive this mo but we’ll keep TTC.

Oh got some very upsetting news….smth “slipped through the cracks” per a nurse at the OB office and they never sent a sample for testing at stonybrook. So i will never know if there were chrom. probs or not. that really pissed me off and depressed me.

January 13, 2011

CD 19, 3DPO

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Took my eggs a while to make their trip. Guess they were busy packing? Think I O’d on CD17ish (1/11/11). Guess I can POAS on Jan 20. i had very little EWCM….it was quite thick but it was stretchy but different…so that was weird. If i don’t get preg this time, i would know if i was for next cycle on feb 14ish.

January 24, 2011

Pregnant! (I think.) Got the ole’ BFP on Jan 22. I was feeling very positive about it, but, well, I started to feel less pregnant/positive about it. I actually had that “i’m pregnant” feeling that i had for my 1^st pregnancy right after the BFP. But i’ve lost that feeling. Just had the BETA/prog bloodwork done so I’ll find out tomorrow what the 1^st beta is. I’m guessing if it’s below 50 it’s not gonna turn out well. I tested pos. on Sat and 2 days later i had the b’work so if the hpt can be pos, my hcg should be at least 20ish. I peed in a cup this morn and saved it (hehe!) and will buy a cpl of preg tests after work 2 see if they come up darker/quicker. I’ll do my own lil experiment! Oh, and my temp went from a 98.9 to a 98.6.

I felt so in shock from the BFP. It happened so fast and i didn’t feel like it would happen…weird! But they do say you’re more fertile after a m/c. if this is a chemical, i’ll be more fertile again next cycle. (trying to put a pos. spin on that possibility.)

DH is being very sweet—telling me to be positive—not to worry. That’s difficult but i am trying to honor his request/idea. J

The roller coaster never stops. I want this so bad and i feel like i’ll freak out if it’s a chemical.

January 25, 2011

L i cried a lot last night after i did my experiment. Waiting to hear the official news from the beta. Having some crampy feelings. Hoping my “friend” comes soon to move on. Having a strong “why me?” kind of feeling now. Feeling i want to do something drastic fertility-wise but not sure how. I keep thinking “M/C #5.” DH was very sweet and is so supportive. I do feel we get stronger (luckily) from what we’ve been to. I just wanna relax and enjoy our marriage and a little one. I hope/pray it happens some day.

February 1, 2011

Sooo….Dr. Yang thinks i shld wait 2 cycles to TTC. Ugh. She feels it’ll give my body more time to reap the benes of acu. & the herbs. She feels that 2 back-2-back miscarriages is too much and i need to recoup.

My friend did come soon. so i’m glad about that. According to my calculations we’ll be “back in the TTC saddle” in the beg of April. We’re supposed to go to Poland in may. If i get preg. i won’t be going there. I don’t think.

I’ve kind of decided to get the HSG—provided it’s covered under ins. and perhaps go back to dr. B to ask him if there’s anything else i cld be tested for. Whoaaa..if we actually got preg and it stuck, i’d be having a dec, baby. Wow!

I’ll try to enjoy this break and focus on some stuff for me…like losing weight/exercising/eating well/doing spiritual stuff. J

February 15, 2011

CD 20

So my appt w/ dr. braverman (RI) is march 1. i’ll call in sick for that day. I also have an appt w/ dr. blum on march 10. she’s a functional med dr. i am hoping to get good answers and advice from both. I’m scared of what i might have to do (and pay) treatment wise but willing to do it…

Oh and dr. yang took back the 2 cycle thing. She said 1 cycle now. But i’ll prob be waiting the 2 cycles anyway to get the appropriate treatment if nec.

I’ll prob be ovulating on/around march 1.

February 25, 2011

CD 2

So, no, i won’t be O’ing around march 1! Had a 29 day cycle. i’ll be o’ing around march 8-9ish. I’m going to ask dr. b if i can use femara for this cycle. i think it’s too late as i’ll be on CD 6 when i see him. We might have 2 skip another cycle. L i’m worried about the cost of the ivig. I am very curious about the test results though.

March 3, 2011

CD8

So i had my appt w/ dr. braverman. DH and i liked him. He seemed very knowledgeable and gave us hope. We got our blood work done too (8 vials for me). We’ll get the results in 7-14 days. We’re faced w/ the dilemma about whether or not to TTC this cycle. i think we’re leaning towards TTC’ing. I’m dying to know what the results will be from the testing. Answers wld be nice. So we shld know what’s up between march 8-14.

March 25, 2011

CD 2

So i had my 2^nd consult w/ the test results this past Wed. WOW. DH and i have this “DQ Alpha match” thing. And we have the “worst” one the 4.1 sequence or whatever it is. Apparently, if you genetically match, your body will attack the fetus. The body likes things that are genetically the same everywhere but in the uterus. How crazy is that? So my nk cells are a lil elevated & my cytokines are normal but apparently they can get majorly activated when you have this matching thing and kill the fetus. WTF? So i thought FVL was the culprit and that is prob only a small portion of the prob. who knew you could have so many issues? I’m so annoyed that i’m finding this out now at my old age!!! :/

I will be getting an intralipid infusion next week and then they’ll test me to see how my nk’s and cytokines are doing and then give me IVIG (washed blood) if they really go crazy if i’m pregnant. If i don’t get pregnant, i’ll have to keep getting the intralipids and testing to see how my body’s reacting. Boy oh boy. If i have to get the IVIG—it’s $3000!!!!! If my body is ok, i’ll just have to keep on w/ the intralipids. There’s another experimental med that he said i cld try if the intralipids/ivig don’t work. How crazy is this??!!

Well i’m def willing to give this a shot. Sounds insane but wth?

March 29

CD7

I have my intralipid appt for tomorrow at dr. braverman’s office. A little nervous, not very. Mom will come w/ me. she’s coming w/ me for the acu. tonight too. She had a sciatic nerve issue and can’t go to work. that is helpful to me (selfish i know!)

I am so afraid that we will do all this and i will miscarry b/c of my age or smth. Ugh.. L also afraid that i won’t get pregnant and these intralipids are for nothing. Obviously worrying about these things can’t help but having my history makes it difficult to not be concerned/troubled.

March 31

CD9

Had the intralipids and it wasn’t too too bad. The catheter going in wasn’t so pleasant—but not painful..just freaked me out a bit. I felt just a bit tired and the table was uncomfortable…kept shifting to try to get more comfie. Overall the experience wasn’t too bad. Wish i didn’t have to drive home though. But it was ok. Mom came w/ me then DH showed up after work. i was taken at 5:45ish and the infusion went until 8ish. My arm was so sore after she took it out. I was surprised by that. Just keeping it still for so long made it really achy. :/ but after stretching and linda (the nurse) giving a little massage, it felt better.

So tomorrow we start “extreme humping” as we’re calling it. LOL we gotta get our $$’s worth right?! I mean if i don’t get pregnant we’ve wasted the $ on the intralipids! I’ll have the acu. on sat. so tues. april 5 will prob be O day. Then i’ll start lovenox and progesterone after that.

April 6

CD15

Still no surge. :/ CM is getting a little stretchier so that’s a good sign. I guess my o is delayed a bit this cycle. a woman on the immunology disc. board said her o was delayed after intralipids. I wonder if that had any effect. I’m anxious to get on w/ this ovulation and then to the 2WW so i can know if i got pregnant already! Ugh. It would be nice to be preg for easter. J then i’ll have laid my own egg. LOL

April 7

CD16

I think i finally had the surge. The opk test line was almost as dark as the control line. I had EWCM. Sooo…looks like we’re in business. A day later than usu it seems. We bd’d today. and 2 days ago. We’ll do it again tonight and/or tomorrow morn. J i’m praying that we: 1. get pregnant and then 2. have a healthy/successful pregnancy. Sooo….of course i have to do my usu. calendar hopping….(hopping b/c it’s almost easter time!) so we’ll call tomorrow O day. Then i’ll probably know around april 18ish if i’m preg. that’ll be 10DPO. It wld be so sweet to be preg for easter. Then come’s mother’s day. I’ll have to start lovenox and progesterone in a few days. i emailed dr. b to let me know when exactly i should begin those. I remember how that damn prog affected me. L i will be bitchy/bloated/feeling fat and PO’d most of the time i guess. Great. If i get preg it’ll be so worth it of course.

April 11

3DPO

7 days to go until i can POAS!!! J i will begin taking the prog and lovenox today. L

we have a new 2 bdrm 2 bath apt now. J i just signed up to move into Medford Pond complex. It’s really nice. I like it a lot. J i pray that the extra bdrm will become a nursery. Pls goddess! Our move in date is may 7. Still on my crazy diet but have added some soy into it. i have noticed more face redness than usu and not sure if that’s attributable to that but it’s smth i noticed.

April 15

8dpo/2ww hell

I’m having a really hard time. i’m obsessed w/ whether or not i’ll get pregnant. It’s torture. The 2ww is bruuu-tallll. I thought i was feeling some kind of implantation twinges yesterday but it was sooo faint and it’s prob just that i’m hypersensitive to any little twitch in my body. I’m going crazy. I feel like i’ll be devastated if it’s a BFN. I think it’s the upcoming easter/mom’s day that’s really putting me on edge.

The prog. symptoms aren’t horrible so far actually. A bit more tired/distracted/bloated but nothing outta control. I know intellectually that implantation still might not have happened and that that’s ok but emotionally i am feeling like i should be pregnant w/ a BFP already. My patience is thin and ragged. It’s like a rusty old knife cutting at my nerves.

I plan to POAS this wknd as i mentioned. But i’m afraid i’ll lose my mind if they’re BFN’s. i feel like a joke. Like i’m being taunted by some cruel fertility god. I see other women being tortured too and it is so unfair. God I’m already bracing myself for the BFN fall the crash the burn. Ok…i’ll remove my mind from those troubles w/ my book now. ahhh….

April 19

12DPO

So, got a faint line on Saturday and was feeling good, feeling pregnant. Was sure i’d get a “pregnant” reading on Sun. morn…but-- NO --BFN. That made me very depressed and DH and i had a bad morning b/c he was mad i POAS’d on sat when i told him i’d do it on Sunday. This truly sucks. i really feel that my body does not like the treatments and will not get pregnant when i’m putting in those suppositories and taking those drugs etc. those intralipids were for nothing i guess. L i’m totally bummed. We’re thinking of going au natural for next cycle and just crossing our fingers that an immune treatment would work for us after the fact. We got the furthest last time w/ no treatments prior to the BFP. I’m getting my beta today and will know the result tomorrow. Part of me hopes there’s a tiny bit of HCG left in my system (if i was pregnant) to prove to DHthat i was! Part of me doesn’t wanna know if i indeed had another chemical pregnancy. Ugh…

April 26

CD6

I emailed Dr. b and asked about femara. He was on vaca but actually contacted krupner and had them deliver the femara…and guess what? I didn’t take it! i decided against it b/c i did some research and thought about how i’ve only gotten pregnant when not medicated…i mean it’s ridiculous to medicate myself when my reproductive system seems happier w/o it. we’ll try the natural way…DH will prob go to Poland on may 14…wouldn’t know the results by then unless i O early…ETA for O is may 6…the day we’re MOVING! i guess we’ll have to make some alone time LOL.

It’s coming up on 2 yrs since i started writing this journal. (july 22) i pray to be able to stop writing it ASAP.

I am thinking of not doing the chinese herbs. I stopped taking them for a week and feel good/look good. I dunno what’s in the herbs and how they’re affecting me…maybe they’re doing good things but who knows for sure? I don’t know enough about them to know for sure. I’ll def continue the acu. going tonight and will go on sat. we have a lot to do for moving but it’s too important to do the acu.

With spring in the air and in my heart/mind, i feel positive. I’m afraid of that positive feeling leading to a frustration but i will try to use that positivity to create more positivity.

June 22, 2011

CD 8

Well it’s coming up on the 2 year anniversary of starting this journal. I know i haven’t written much lately. The latest is that i’ll be starting this experimental drug called neupogen. It has shown promise in preventing miscarriages by stopping immune responses to pregnancy. I found out yesterday that my FSH is 10 which isn’t horrible…a little high but not too bad. With my 41^st bday looming ahead i am feeling a bit hopeless/desperate. I don’t know what else to say. I’ll be going in for a sono on Monday to see how the follie is doing. I’ll be starting the neupogen 6 days after that i think. I was lucky enough to get the neupogen mailed to me by Kane, a lady i met on the immunology discussion board. That’s a ton of $$ we saved!!!! She said we have to name a girl after her if we have one! I’ll be taking lovenox, progesterone and neupogen. Still doing the acu. still taking a ton of supplements!

Will be going to see amma this 4^th of july and pray that her hug will bless my belly.

June 28

O day!

Went to the dr. b’s office yesterday and the nurse did the sono and said that it seems i’m in the process of o’ing b/c the follie was not visible and my lining was perfect…3 layers and 10mm thickness. J i don’t have any EWCM though which is odd. We made love on sat after the party and it was very nice. Felt like we had a good loving connection and i hope that causes conception. We had sex last night too per the nurse’s orders. We pretended i had to show DH a script for it and we had to follow the script. LOL

I am a lil nervous about taking the neupogen but the nurse also said how they’ve been having some good success w/ it. that sounds promising. So POAS testing will commence on Thursday, july 7 (9 dpo). Right after 4^th of july wknd. J

July 7

9DPO

So i did NOT POAS today b/c i did on Tuesday and thought a line showed up but it was on one of those damn blue line tests and they always look like a false pos. so i tested wed morn and it said “not pregnant” on the clear blue digital so i knew it was def. false. I will test tomorrow. I will buy some more digital tests today. i did have some brownish spotting today but it was very little and hard to tell if it was just the damn progesterone.

Had the amma hug & tried to remember to think of my heart’s desire. I think i did. Hope it helped. If i had the spotting today –if it’s implantation (crossing fingers)—then i guess it happened a few hours ago. That wld mean a test wld most likely come up pos on Sat. but i’ll POAS tomorrow anyway for the heck of it. fri, sat, sun & mon, then the beta on tues.

Started the neupogen and no immediate side effects so i’m glad. I do feel a tad more dizzy when i get up than normal. Feeling a little blah b/c i’m afraid of a BFN. My baby is so sweet and loving about the whole thing. I’m sooo lucky!!! J

Update: progesterone 13.6, anti-xa .58 (within normal range of .30-.70) she said the prog level was fine.

July 8, 2011 J

++++++++++++++++BFP!!!!

I truly couldn’t believe my eyes this morning! I was SURE from my temps and just not feeling pregnant that I’d get a “NO-” on the FRER digital. Well, when i took the damn test out it had flashing “YES/NO” on it and I wondered if it might be defective. But then the solid clock came on and i thought ok i’ll POAS –who cares, it’ll be “NO -“ anyway. The clock started blinking and blinking and blinking. Then i see the “YES +” pop up and i was totally in shock. Oh at this point i was already dripping wet in the shower. I jumped out of the shower and burst out of the bathrm saying “It’s a yes!” DH jumped out of bed and we jumped up and down hugging and smiling, laughing. Then i suddenly thought OMG…that might’ve been a defective test. So luckily i had another one and i took that one out and i went back in the shower…panicking that that it wld come up “NO-“ and all our joy/excitement/hopes would go down the shower drain. But through the cloudy shower glass, i cld see the “YES+” of the next test and knew it must be true. YAY! Praying it sticks…of course.

July 11

Waiting for the 2^nd beta…(1^st one was 33) Dr. B said that was “good” for 10dpo.

god i hate the wait! Dr. b wanted to wait n see the 2^nd beta to know if we’ll do the intralipids. If it’s doubled, then we’ll do them. felt really nothing on Saturday so i felt like my beta was prob dropping but then i reminded myself that that’s how i felt last pregnancy and the numbers did go up. I even wrote a note “no symptoms” on my BBT chart so I am sure I had the same worry then.

Last night i felt that thumpy heart feeling that i recognize from the last pregnancy so it comforted me a bit. Praying this neupogen is doing the trick.

July 25

The beta wound up nearly doubling and then going down…and then a little up…he thought it might be ectopic…then down. So it was another failure. I will go for bloodwork again today to make sure the beta is near or at 0.

Had an incredible dream though. Dreamed i was in some room. There were two men dressed in saffron robes. I walked up to a wall and not sure what was in front of me but the men in robes were both facing the wall. I didn’t know what i was supposed to do. I felt awkward. I felt that i should be doing smth but i wasn’t sure what it was. I felt that ppl were waiting for me to do smth. I decided then that i would just do what i felt in my heart and not worry about these ppl. I put my hands in a prayer position and closed my eyes. At that moment, everything disappeared…there was just this incredible energy throughout my body. I could see this fuzzy image in my mind’s eye of amma sitting in a meditational cross-legged position floating in front of me. i asked her to bless my womb and help us with our dream. Smth to that effect. I then felt the energy really concentrated in my belly area. Spreading around my womb and outward. It was so intense it woke me up. I definitely feel blessed. Kim said she thinks based on my description that amma came to me and blessed me. J i feel it’s true.

August 16, 2011

Feeling pretty down. Low. Depressed. Lonely. Blah. Icky. Yucky. Sad. Blue. Exasperated. Frustrated. Jealous. Green with envy. And a bit crazy.

It feels like everyone is pregnant…everyone is having a baby…everyone is happy and glowing and has no problems and it’s a snap and no worries. I’m feeling at the end of my rope. I’ll be 41 in a month. AH yes it’s the 16^th. Guess that’s the numerical reminder of the impending doom of next month.

Pink line

Why can’t you be mine?

Sweet Baby

Sweet baby

Why always “maybe”?

Hearbeat

hearbeat

Why can’t we meet?

“The glow”

Why always no?

All these big bellies and bumps are surrounding me and suffocating me. they stick out into my space and in my face. I feel so deprived and angered. It’s really getting to me. i can’t control my feelings. I have no idea if i’m pms’ing right now or what. Probably. I dunno when i o’d so it’s impossible to know.

I’ve been a POAS-aholic lately b/c i have no idea when i o’d but now i’ll wait a cpl days…see if AF shows up. Had the intralipids last wk on fri. hope it helps. I’m losing my mind and hope. L

August 25

CD 7

We had an earthquake on Tuesday, then we heard a sonic boom today, now there’s a hurricane alert for Sunday…sheesh!! I’m very worried/nervous bc of all these anomalies.

On the fert. front i’ll be doing neupogen again. I’ll start a little earlier. 41^st bday coming up. UGH.

If things go “normally” i’ll O on Wednesday or thurs next wk. Which means i can poas sat sept 10. Wld be a great bday present if i get the BFP (and it’s not a chemical)!

October 11

HPT BFP –october 9

BETA 18 OCTOBER 10 (11 or 12 dpo)

What a measly number…i will know tomorrow if the beta is doubling. Ugh. How yucky. Probably another chemical pregnancy. Bummer. True that it’s quite early so if implantation occurred on oct 8 (9dpo) the numbers are pretty normal i think. I just hate having to wait. I’m going to dr. b’s office in the morning at 8:30 to get another beta done. My progesterone is good at 30 smth. Praying for 36 or more. I feel nothing so of course i have no hope…esp w/ my history. I’m not feeling particularly attached from all my bad experience so i guess that’s good in a way. I feel a bit crampy too so ….only tomorrow will tell what’s going on.

October 13

Got yesterday’s BETA results and they were…

59!!!

I put that in 59 font to add impact! More than tripled. Doubling time like 26 hrs or smth.

Yes i was shocked! I felt a bit nauseous during the night…not puke in the toilet nauseous but just a mild feeling. Of course now during the day i feel nothing and am worrying about whether or not that hcg is climbing again. God i am anxious about tomorrow’s beta and i am doing the intralipids but i’ve heard some women say that they’re nk’s were raised from it. now i’m worried about doing it. :/

October 18

252! Incredibly my hcg more than quadrupled! i’d be more excited about it except that I did the intralipids and afterwards felt the little bit of preg symptoms and preg feeling i had disappear completely. I’ve been crying and obsessing about it ever since. I got a 3-day beta done and will find out the results today. i know i have a tendency to freak out (who can blame me?) but the numbers will tell later. I’ll just have to wait n see…anything below 600 and i’ll be worried.

Update: 1320!!!!! J

So 18 à 59 = 28.03 hrs.

So 59 à 252= 22.92 hrs.

252 à 1320 = 30.14 hrs.

6 wk scan NOV 1 ‘11

11/1/11 J

October 21

5wks 1 day

Having extreme obsession about whether or not this will be a blighted ovum. I am so scared of that. BO is so evil and insidious..your hcg can go up normally; you can have pregnancy symptoms but empty sac. I experienced it 2x and am so scared of it happening again. Esp since i don’t have much in the way of pregnancy symptoms. I had some queasiness but now it’s gone. God i can’t stop worrying; it’s horrible. I called 3 village women’s health to see if they’d give me a 5wk viability scan since dr. b apparently won’t. :/ he is feeling confident that things will be good at the scan on 11/1. Waiting is TORRRTURRE!!!!!!!!

On the positive side…i’m imagining doing a thanksgiving day announcement about my pregnancy. J i wld be just over 10 wks. Please god. Please amma.

October 24

Tomorrow’s the sono..i changed the date cuz i couldn’t wait. Feeling dread about it. it’s also bernie’s death anniv. i hope she will be there for me.

October 26

6wks

So the sono went ok. Dr. b thought it looked to be at about 6wks but he cldn’t locate the hb or fetal pole. He felt that it looked viable and fine and that we’d see the hb in a few days. So i’ll be going back on sat. of course, as usu. i don’t believe it’ll be ok but i am really hoping/praying i can make an announcement for thanksgiving. On T-Day i’d be 10 wks. I’m thinking we can say i “graduated” and then they’ll look puzzled and we’ll say “graduated to the 2^nd tri!” BUT let’s not get carried away… we’ll see what sat brings. If it goes well, i guess i’ll be going to a high risk ob.

October 28

The next scan is tomorrow at 10am. I have 0% confidence that we’ll see a hb or any growth. I am feeling less n less pregnant. The breast tenderness is nearly gone and those moments of queasiness have gone too. I feel empty inside…

I told DH all my fears yesterday and he made me feel better. He was very supportive and loving and told me i was his soul mate and that he will never leave me if we can’t have a baby even. I was very impressed/relieved to hear that. And he was stressing that we’re a team and are going through this together and we’re just stronger because of it. so dr. braverman’s office gave me the chance to get a scan today but i turned it down since DH can’t be there. As tempting as it is!! But i feel much more at peace with everything. There is nothing more i can do. I have done everything in my power to make this work and if it doesn’t, perhaps we’ll even learn more that can help us for next time. i had the anti-xa, cbc (platelet count), and nk/intralipid suppression testing done so i shld have those results soon. the hard part if it isn’t a good sono is the holidays once again and facing another d&c right before GD thanksgiving…it’s like a reply of horrible last year.

October 31—halloween

So we went to the sono and i told DH how i “know” what the results will be and that i was ok with it…not expecting anything so i would not be disappointed. WELL..boy was I wrong! We found a HB..a HB of 108! We even heard it. DH saw it but I didn’t. i was in such shock that i didn’t really get too excited. Of course i am trying to stay positive but with the pregnancy symptoms being very limited, it’s hard to feel like something is going on in there! We have the next sono on Saturday at 9:30am. He did a test to see how the blood was flowing to the uterus and he says he wants the numbers to be higher..i was almost at the right level but he wants it to go up and he’ll check again on sat. i’m nervous about that. But i’ll up my fish oil i guess. I won’t feel more calm until i pass the 8wk sono w. a HB. So things are looking ok right now. DH made me promise i’d be “positive” for this week and dr. b said we take it 1 wk at a time which is good advice. And he was very funny..cracking jokes and making us laugh. We had our first snow on that day …plus DH was in the ER at 4am b/c he thought he swallowed a fish bone and then they thought he had a bloodclot in his lung. But he didn’t. It was a very eventful day! I said to DH how him not having something on his CAT scan and me having something on my scan were both EXCELLENT results. J

November 3

6w6d

Had another scan yesterday afternoon b/c i wasn’t sleeping much and i was worried that smth was wrong. They squeezed me in at 3:15 and he saw the HB right away. It was 138 then 127 which he said was normal. So the hb went up nicely. J i cried telling him how worried i’ve been. L

things are looking good. Measured the right # of days more than last time. J The sono pic showed what looked like a teeny tiny person w a big head. That’s how it looked. Not sure if my interpretation is correct. LOL i feel more good/confident but will be much more calm after the 8wk sono. I’ll do that on Saturday November 12. I shld be 8wks1day or so then…hopefully. I will really feel such relief if i make it that far. I know that i’m not out of the woods yet but that will be a BIG milestone for me…getting farther than ever before. My next scan is wed. nov. 9 at 3:45. Seems like years away. :/ i can’t believe how this is the exact same stage i was at exactly 1 yr ago…that’s i think what is making me so crazy and the fact that, once again, i have NO SYMPTOMS….well maybe some cravings/boob tenderness. But that’s it. i’m peeing LESS it seems –weird huh??

I’ll be going to a therapist on Saturday to talk about my fears.

November 10

8wks 1 day J

Yes indeed—had a sono yesterday and i measured exactly 8wks..166BPM!! J i’m in shock! I would be more excited to write now but i had some spotting today…very light and pink but it’s freaking me out. linda the nurse said it’s one of their most common calls after a sono…”it is not unusual” is how she put it. Which doesn’t mean “it’s usual” so i still am nervous. I’m very scared to go to the bathrm ..afraid the situation will be worse with some bright red blood coming out… god why can’t things just be less “eventful?” she did say they’d sono me tom. so they can be sure and i can be sure nothing’s wrong. But i’m supposed to go in for a sono on sat. w/ DH. We’ll see what happens. She said take it easy and keep hydrated so that’s what i’m doing…and avoiding the bathrm.

I went to dr. kofinas’s office and loved it/them. everything looked good. They said i had placenta previa which is very common in the 1^st trimester.

I just hope/pray that i’ll be able to live out my dream of announcing to mom/Kenny about my 10wk pregnancy for thanksgiving. I feel i’ll die if i lose this one.

I saw the therapist and really liked her. Very down to earth. I’m seeing her this Sunday. She saw dr. b and dr. k and loves them both. Nice to know she has exp. with this stuff. She is helping me with negative thought patterns. I’m so worried right now that it’s hard to be positive. The great sono yet is encouraging but things can change in a heartbeat…a baby’s heartbeat that is….

November 14

8w5d

WOW

Everything’s looking good. No more spotting. J next sono on wed. shld be 9wks god willing. I’m really excited about the announcement for thanksgiving and wish it was thanksgiving and i knew everything was ok…i made it to 10 wks and no probs and can make my announcement w/ no worries.

November 17

9weeks J

Had my scan w/ dr. b last night and he said 8w6d but then said “9wks” prob to make me feel better since i was like “i shld be 9wks.” HB – 178. He said that’s great. ANNDD….i saw the BABY MOVE!!! He said “you should be able to see some movement” and right on cue…it wiggled! It was awesome! He also pointed out its “hand buds.” Very cute!

My big fears now are—making it this far and losing it. and making it this far and finding out it’s a Downs baby. I have this feeling it is but maybe that’s just my fears. DH was jealous when i told him over our celebratory dinner that i saw it move. J we were also celebrating b/c Grandma is CANCER FREE…she’s cured!!!!! J she just has to do a little radiation more as a precaution/prevention but that’s it! we’ll have to go visit her after june…or she can come to us. J i think she said she wld if we had a baby. I dunno when it’s considered safe to travel w/ a baby for such a long distance…well i’m getting ahead of myself. I just hope to make it to thanksgiving which i keep thinking about and imagining.

November 21

I woke up yesterday feeling a lot less breast tenderness and didn’t have that thumpy heart feeling so i’m feeling very worried about my dr. k sono this afternoon. :/ i pray our dream won’t be shattered. I feel dread about it. waiting SUCKS.

November 23

Everything is FINE. J went to dr. K w/ my sweetie and we saw the baby moving A LOT! His jaw dropped which was a funny/sweet/wonderful sight to see…both the baby and DH’s expression. They took blood and will do a sono in two wks on dec 5 to test for down’s. i’ m sooo nervous about this. I can’t explain bit but i really feel like it will be positive. I guess i always feel that things will be bad/go wrong so maybe that’s all it is…but somehow i feel that way. They measured it at 9w2d which surprised me b/c i thought it shld be later. Saw dr. b the next day and he measured at 9w6d. but he said the dif in measurements is normal. He also told me that they are publishing their neupogen results and that they have 70 women and that they’ve had great results. He said no women that made it as far as i did had a failure so that’s very reassuring. Also, i took a vid of the baby and it was so crazy. He (I think it’s a boy) waved hello!!!! J can’t wait to show mom/Kenny!

Very very happy that we’ll be able to make our special announcement on Friday for our thanksgiving dinner/celebration. J

Hoping/praying our test results come back ok so we can enjoy Christmas.

November 30

11 (or almost 11) wks!

Our tday announcement went well…we sat down and my mom said “why don’t we say smth we’re thankful for” –she was doing our idea before we had a chance to! So i said “i’ll start” and i went through some stuff, the my mom, then Kenny, then DH…he said some very nice things he’s grateful for and was talking about me towards the end and how patient and dedicated i am and that now i have a baby in my belly due to those qualities…smth along those lines. My mom instantly said “i knew” which annoyed me but she was very happy and crying and hugging us. It old them i was 10wks and about everything. We showed mom & Kenny our video which my mom wanted to see over and over but we played it 3 times and cut her off. We enjoyed dinner and then watched men in black. Kenny snoozed of course.

Monday is the nuchal translucency test/results and i’m quite nervous. DH will get on the phone to listen in when they give the results. I’m gonna ask to find out what they think the sex is. J

If all goes well, Dec 16 will be our graduation to 2^nd trimester celebration. J wk 13.

We sang a song to dr. braverman “how sweet it is to be treated by you”. He and linda and Sandra listened in the waiting rm. dr. b videotaped us. I also brought a cake for the office. I won’t be seeing dr. b anymore. Just 1 intralipid infusion this fri. and that shld do it. i’ll be done w/ neup., metformin, and progesterone in a wk. Woohoo!!!! J i see dr. pilliterri before i see dr. kofinas on Monday.

Can’t believe i’ve made it this far. Still in shock!

December 6

12 weeks J

Yes still in shock! NT scan went great. NORMAL results!!!! J woohoo!

Started telling ppl. I told A and R. They both hugged me and seemed very happy. I told Meg and Miz and Jin today. they were more subdued but happy for me. feels good to tell. Baby is the size of an egg now. the chicken kind. It was great to see him on the sono screen. Dr. pilliterri put me on his VIP list b/c of my history and b/c i was annoyed to wait so long (2.5 hrs)! he thinks it’s a boy and the sono tech at dr. k’s thought so too but she said we’d know for sure next time. J a boy means not too long coming out thank god! And it means it might take after me a bit. I’m happy either way as long as it’s healthy. We’re starting to see more facial features. Nose, ear, mouth, fingertips….so cute!! J Kane prob having a boy too. She’s 12w also. Amazing!! I think i’ll have my mom come w/ me to the next appt. she’ll die.

December 15

13 WEEKS!! 2^ND TRIMESTER!! (on Dec. 12 or 13)

WOOHOOW!!

Can’t believe it’s real!

We’re talking about names. I like Theodore. Or Gavin.

January 11

17W

Today’s my mom’s bday. J i am 17w. i am feeling worried about darek (our new name choice) b/c i have this terrible rash. Dr. b says not to worry. I am afraid it’s some immunological reaction against the baby. I feel less pregnant (i know you’ve heard that before) but my cravings and constant hunger are gone. This is a weird random unknown rash that dr. k and the dermatologist i saw yesterday can’t figure out. i’ll find out by tomorrow if it’s a terrible liver/gallbladder bile issue. I pray that’s not what it is. The derm. didn’t think so which is comforting. If it is that, it means that i’m even MORE high risk and wld prob be induced very early as the risk of stillbirth is quite a bit higher. One more thing to worry about.

Got the 2^nd half of the NT scan results and the risk went to 1 in 5,000 or so. YIPPEEEE!!! J

Dr. P told me I have a “Low lying placenta” and that it can increase bleeding in labor. Well…i’m not sure but i think the placenta cld move up but he made it sound like it wld stay that way.. hmmm

It was great meeting Kane. We went to “on the border” mexi restaurant for our 2^nd tri celebration. We chatted for nearly 3 hrs! time flew by. She’s so pretty and so nice and great to talk to. She loves cats and her husband doesn’t. she’s so awesome.

I wish i had one of those dopplers so i cld hear the hb and feel better.

I think the rash MIGHT be getting better. It has been pretty uncomfie but as long as it’s not harming darek, i am ok.

Can’t wait to hit 20w to celebrate the HALF WAY MARK! Woohoo! I just wish i wasn’t so worried about my baby.

January 13

I’m having a really tough/negative day. The rash is much better now….almost gone. Still a bit itchy but not too bad. I really have this fear that it was an immunological response to the baby and my body attacked it. L

My hungriness, hunger pains, gasiness, bloatedness and boob achiness are nearly all gone now. i had this sharp (not very painful but very pointed) pain on the left side of my belly too. i feel i desperately need a peace-o-mind sono but dunno if i can get it. i hate this “i’m convinced the baby is ‘gone’” feeling but i can’t shake it. my next sono is on tues. my last sono was the day after i noticed the itchiness on my belly and there was a HB which is heartening. But i can’t help but feel so empty and like where are my normal symptoms?

February 1

20weeks!

Things are going great. Yesterday the sono tech diane said that darek is “anatomically perfect.” HB 140, weight 12oz. She said he’s growing beautifully and the blood flow is good. Next appt is the “full anatomy scan.” DH and i go to dr. pillitteri this Saturday. I’m feeling good…sometimes i feel like my belly is sooo stretched it’s an icky feeling. I am starting to feel little movements here and there. It’s so nice.

DH and i will go to Hershey lodge on pres. Wknd. Can’t wait! Praying the weather stays so mild and warm as it is now…60 degrees—unbelievable!!! J

February 24

23 weeks (6 mos!)

Hershey was awesome. We had a great time. the weather was perfect and we enjoyed a lot of cool attractions. The lodge was nice and i liked our room. We took a choc. Truffle making class. That was cool. The truffles were scrumptious! The drive there and back wasn’t too bad. We stopped a few times for leg-stretching, snack-eating, and bladder-emptying.

This Tuesday is my next appt. w/ kofinas. There’s nothing much to report. Just feeling darek moving more and more. It’s so funny/weird. Still have trouble believing i’ve made it this far! What a blessing! People love to talk to you when you’re pregnant and are nicer in general. Ive’ been watching baby shows on TLC and it helps me to see what can happen during delivery. Seems like just about anything. but i know i’m in good hands so i’m not too worried…well ok i’m scared shitless.

April 24

32 weeks (8 months)

I’ve been bad about updating but everything is going well. J scared of the labor/delivery now…nothing much to say more than that. I think this might be my last entry. I have learned a lot during this journey and have made a good friend (Kane). My husband and I have become closer and stronger despite all the stress and let downs. My next journey is motherhood. WOW! It still seems surreal…but I think when I lay eyes on baby Darek, it’ll get a lot more real!! My baby shower is coming up and I know it’ll be an emotional day for me. I feel emotional every time I think of it. i just hope Darek has a wonderful life and that i’m there to help him for as long as possible!

September 27, 2012
3 months post-partum!

I gave birth on June 15, 2012 at 3:36 a.m. to a 8lb screaming healthy adorable baby boy! I was induced but didn't dilate so had to have a c-section. Had a bit of a roller coaster a few days after giving birth with pre-eclampsia. Had to be hospitalized and separated from the sweet baby. :( But after a few days, that seemed like an eternity, came back home and got back on track with breastfeeding and bonding with sweet Darek!
I hope publishing this journey journal will help other women who have suffered recurrent pregnancy loss. i'm so grateful i found reproductive immunology and Dr. Braverman!

Losses to Little One ~ Journey from Recurrent Miscarriages to our Munchkin

Thursday, September 27, 2012

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